The Bean Chronicles

Where oh where has my little bean gone?

2006-09-05T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hello my patient and wonderful friends. I have been so busy with summer and my new job that I have been extremely negligent in my blogging duties, but rest assured I have missed you all very much.

So today to celebrate the return to normalcy, I am posting. I can’t promise that this will be a regular thing, but for today I will post. I sent the wee man off on the bus today to enter the everyday world of Grade 1. I am sad that summer has gone, and that the fun is over, but I am breathing a huge sigh of relief – I am a sucker for routine. Bedtimes that are observed, meals are eaten and somewhat on time, and there is not the continual quest for fun fun fun while you still can. Now it will be homework and cool fall nights and snugging in with the unit.

Well the meat diet didn’t last very long and the 12 week challenge bit the biscuit. But you know some things are more important that my weight. I am coming to this realization finally. Sure I want to be thinner, but it is not the focus of my life. I did have a few things happen with my son this summer that seared me to my heart, and made me wonder if maybe for his sake I should lose weight, but then I thought about it and realized I needed to work more on his manners and to teach him that words can hurt more than any weapon that could come against you. For a kid that is sensitive about his weight he has no problem slamming me about mine. Six year olds are smelly!

Church is good, I am seeking a new church home and I am relaxing about the whole thing. I realized that I was getting so worked up about the logistics that I was forgetting about the things that really matter like ‘be still and know that I am God’ and all the other groovy things that go along with being a believe like peace, love, direction and transformed lives.

I love my new job. It is fun and new and busy and exciting. The days fly by and except for minor annoyances like not having time to blog I am loving every minute of it.
I am feeling fulfilled and valuable in my job for the first time in a long time. It was a good move.

How you all doing!
Kat it is nice to be missed let me tell you. I will try to be more diligent with the posting.
Keep well and I am sure you will be hearing more from me soon!

Bean

Standing still while still moving forward…

2006-07-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Ok so posting Nekid Friday weigh-in on Monday, may tell you just how freak-a-licious this summer is turning out to be. Man, I love the busy, the absence of the TV and all the fun things that happen. I am almost afraid of the fall, and it is sneaking up way to fast. I hope things stay exciting and busy and as fun as they are now, but then reality sets in, DH will go back to work, Lil Boy Bean is in school 5 days a week, bedtimes will have to be observed, and so on.

So I stayed the same this week, 261. Now considering that I ate a bag of cookies on the weekend prior to the weigh-in, not too shabby.

This weekend has proven to be not much better. I went to the states I noticed the most magical thing. In every store whether shoes, clothes or entertainment, there is a candy stand. I was so excited to find my favourite candy Atomic Fire Balls, I pay .20 a piece for them here and I got a whole bag of them for 1.00 there. Americans, at least those in Upstate New York, love their candy. I think I have found my people.

I got a lot of great bargains. I am wearing the most fabulous pair of white sequined flip-flops today, along with some fabulous Old Navy togs. Yeah me. It was very fun and I think I need to go again. I would like to take DH next time.

I only ate one restaurant meal, but let me just say it is a good thing I don’t live in America, the prices were cheap and the portions were huge. Once again maybe this was just a Crackle Barrel phenomena but wow, dinner and a choice of three sides, not enough room on the table.

So I am back on track today. I am thinking two weeks on and one week off, is a good way to change things up and not let my body get too used to one way of eating, or maybe it is just an excuse to indulge in all my food I miss so much when I am low carbing.

So that’s all she wrote, I am on holidays next weekend, so I will try to post on Friday with the weigh-in.

I hope you are all keeping well and cool.

Bean – dancing to the magical tune that plays in my head

It is working…

2006-07-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Nekid Friday weigh-in was a success, 261 this morning. Now I have to admit I haven’t been a strict as I have been, but I am working it. I went to Old Navy and bought myself an outfit, (yes it will shrink with me.) I am feeling pretty positive about this and not making it too nutty on myself.

I have been thinking a lot lately about body image and clothes. I always hide my arms. I don’t like them, I never have, but this summer I am being a bit more liberated. They are out there. Nothing indecent but the occasional tank top has been known to grace my body. I am actually thinking of picking up a few more when I head over to the States next weekend for shopping with my gal pal. It occurred to me, who am I fooling, whether my arms are covered or not, is not going to change anything. I am still going to be fat whether I hide them or not, however, I am going to be cooler and not have the distinctive farmers tan, when I set them free. In my humble opinion, and apologies to all the sun avoiders, tanned fat looks much better than the glowing white stuff that I have.

My new job is challenging and fun. The people are all very nice and welcoming. It helps that I have worked in the building for four years and know most of them. They seem happy to have me aboard and it is proving to be a fun experience. This is the fastest week I have ever had in this building and I am hoping that time continues to pass quickly so I can leave and do the things that are really important like spend time with my delightful family. I have such a big love on for them all lately. Everything that Mini Bean does either makes me laugh or shake my head in exasperation, she is three. Lil’ boy Bean is a delight, how I ever managed to produce such an amazing child is beyond me. He is smart and funny and full of a real zest for life, learning and love. Partner Bean is a delight. I think we are in love. I have always loved him, but I am in love with him lately. He is rocking my world. (How 80’s was that saying that just flew out of my fingers? LOL!)

So I am heading out for an action packed weekend. Camping, a baby shower and listening to a pal play old country at a Legion. Should be good times. I hope the weekend doesn’t go by as fast as the week did.

Take care, stick with the challenge (all you AFW followers) and most of all be happy.

Bean, forgetting my name, as new information pushes out the old.

A quickie...

2006-07-12T04:43:00.000-07:00

Hello my fellow bloggers. I thought I would do a quick update. I am liking my new job, but there is no time for internet madness, so I have been feeling neglectful of my blog duties. Things are moving along tickity boo. It is funny, I guess the old saying is true, be careful what you wish for. I was hoping to be busier at work and now I am thinking, Man this is busy! I barely got time to eat lunch yesterday. It is interesting though and I am going to learn a tremendous amount.

I am still plugging away on the weightloss front. I will post on Friday with my weigh in. Keep happy.

A special message to Rabbit. I love you and miss you. I hape all things are going well and that wee babay is growing and fine. I think of you everyday and wish you were closer. I know that I am blessed to have a friend such as yourself and I thank God that you are in my life. I can't wait for girls getaway! Busy lives keep us from hanging, but my busy mind always has a thought or two about you everyday. Luv you. Please give a shout out to boy rabbit and roo for me.

Talk to you all on Friday.

Bean, summer loving, makes me feel fine.

The power of meat…

2006-07-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

So nekid weigh in this morning proved promising for the meat diet. I have been a faithful Atkineer for 3 days and the scale showed a promising 263.5 this morning. Down 10.5 lbs since I started the AFW challenge. I even got on twice because I couldn’t believe the number. Now I am well aware that new poundage recently acquired is easier to send on its way as opposed to the pounds that have gotten comfortable in their deluxe accommodations with spacious rooms, excellent view and, until recently, 12 square carb filled meals a day.

In other news I am home from work today, taking my last whimsy day off, before I start my new job on Monday. It is a good thing this job is going to make me a better brighter Bean, because with it all flexibility is gone. No more taking off early and asking for a Friday off on Thursday afternoon. It is going to be me and my headset. Best Friends Forever.

Sorry for the short post today, but the call of the wild, mainly the little Beans, are looking for my undivided attention. Imagine the nerve. LOL.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Bean, dancing in the streets.

I wanna go, oh-oh, to the late night double feature picture show

2006-07-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

Happy belated 4th of July to all my America friends. I hope the festivities were fun and fabulous and that no animals were harmed in the making …

My weekend was very nice. It was kid free fun-a-palooza all weekend.

Friday was all about the shopping and watching the kids play up and down the street with their buddies, followed by packing them in the car and driving them to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s for the weekend. From there DH and I headed to the drive-in for a double feature. We saw Click and Bench Warmers. Can you guess which movie was better?

Saturday was all about the camping. I’ve ranted off down that path before, but all I have to say is. Camping is better when you have children to distract you from all the drunken idiots that seem to come into their fullness when you stick them in the bush.

Sunday was all about packing up and then heading back into K-town for night church. When I got back from church DH was so proud that he had set up the TV in the bedroom so we could snuggle and watch movies. I don’t think I need to spell out where that path lead to. Men and their ulterior motives sheesh giggle giggle.

Monday it was all about the picking up of the kids, celebrating the Brother Bean’s birthday and having some fabulous family time.

Which brings us back to do re mi fa so la ti do…..

So I have decided I am going to do this 12 week challenge. I have been playing around with it, but as of Tuesday I have decided to commit. I am doing an Atkins type thing. It is amazing how much better and in control I feel after just one day. Now that is if I can ignore the raging headache that is symptomatic of the sugar withdrawal. But the insane drive to eat really does go away and frankly I eat better when there is no processed foods in my general vicinity, I am not being as restrictive as Dr A would like, but hey he’s dead so what is he going to do about it? I am not willing to give up my apple a day that he claims is the devil’s spawn, but come on people, it’s an apple!

I figure I will do it for two weeks and see what happens. I already feel more in control. I know and have always known that this is the way I should eat, but you know when you favourite foods, ones I would be happy to live off, are cake and sugar, it is tough. But so am I, so bring it on you doughnut renegades, I’m ready with my egg grenades and meat stick.

So I’ll be back Friday with the Week 2 weigh in. Don’t expect miracles, as I spent the weekend stuffing my face, but Week 3 should tell the tale.

Bean, hiding under the bed, hanging with the dust bunnies.

Small steps baby, small steps…

2006-06-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

I was reading a Million Little Pieces last night and I am not sure how I feel about the book. The writing style is annoying and there are parts that are hard to believe, not to mention my annoyance with all the controversy and wacky press the book is getting as a result. (Not to mention that every time I see the cover I get an enormous craving for a sprinkle doughnut) However I read the following passage last night and something in it rang true about my food addiction. (Please pardon the language, but I wrote it out as it appears in the book)

Addiction is a decision. An individual wants something, whatever that something is, and makes a decision to get it. Once they have it, they make a decision to take it. If they take it too often, that process of decision making gets out of control, and if it gets too far out of control it becomes and addiction. At that point the decision is a difficult one to make, but it is still a decision. Do I or don’t I. Am I going to take or am I not going to take. Am I going to be a pathetic dumbshit Addict and continue to waste my life or am I going to say no and try to stay sober and be a decent person. It is a decision. Each and every time. A decision. String enough of those decisions together and you set a course and you set a standard of living Addict or human. Genetics do not make that call. They are just an excuse. They allow people to say it wasn’t my fault I am genetically predisposed. It wasn’t my fault I was preprogrammed from day one. It wasn’t my fault I didn’t have any say in the matter. Bullshit. Fuck that bullshit. There is always a decision. Take responsibility for it. Addict or human. It’s a fucking decision, each and every time.

A Million Little Pieces
James Frey
First Anchor Books Edition May 2004

Now I know food addiction is never on the level of substance abuse or alcoholism and I am not trying to say that my problem is bigger, or for that matter, smaller than that of an alcoholic or drug addict, but the principles are the same. Every day I make the same decisions. I make a decision to get the food, I make a decision to eat the food and when my weight is spiralling out of control, it is harder to make the right decisions, because my goal weight sees so unobtainable.

Please don’t misinterpret what I am saying this is not a plea for support or a whine, just a little glimpse into the insights I find into my behaviour. Your mileage may vary.

On a lighter note, I am weighing in early for the 12 week challenge. I got on the scale this morning and it said 269.5. Down 4.5 pounds. Yeah Me. I find it amazing how little steps can make a difference. I could write it off to bloating or water retention, but I am claiming this victory. This is just one small step in my journey. I am glad you are along for the ride. Welcome to all the new commenters. It is nice to have some new faces around. And for my ‘old timers’ I just want you all to know I appreciate every good vibe and all the positive comments you are so faithful to send.

Well I am off tomorrow though until Tuesday to celebrate this great country I live in. How blessed am I to be born in a beautiful, majestic, safe country that knows freedom. I think I sometimes forget how fortunate I am to live in a country when my biggest concern is a number on the scale and not having enough money to drive a brand new car. I forget that I could be living in Cambodia or Africa or any other impoverished country where my worries would would be on a whole new level like where do I sleep and how do I feed my children and keep them from being exploited.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Please God, keep our land glorious and free.

Bean, and remain, a proud Canadian.

A rude awakening…

2006-06-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of the 12 week challenge, I took a deep breath and faced down the scale. I knew it would be bad but I had no idea what the scale would actually say. Needless to say it was not pretty. 274. Ouch. So no time like the present to do something about it. It is amazing how one can delude themselves into thinking that “sure I’ve put on a few pounds” but to see that number on the scale, a number I have not seen in a very long time. It was wake up and smell the coffee time. Now I must admit I am having some troubles adjusting to the changes and I find myself eating stuff and then going, “what are you doing… back away from the doughnut.”

So my DH was listening to me lament after the journey to the scale, and I commented that I had put on some weight, to which he replied, “yeah, I can tell.” When are they going to open a school for men on how not to make silly mistakes like that, and learn the proper things to say like “Wow I hadn’t noticed.” Or “That scale must be broken” . For any of you entrepreneurs out there, you have your first client, let me know when Sally’s School for Stupid Men is taking registrations.

So I will weigh again on Thursday which is really when I will get started (a little disparity between the healthy food in my fridge and the negative balance in my bank account.) But I am making little changes this week, not as much snacking, one helping, trying not to eat after supper, drinking more water. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Having some accountability will help. Having some groceries will also help.

A shout out to my baby brother who turned 31 yesterday. Yeah for you. I love you turtle. You are the best brother and Uncle a girl and her babies could have. When I talked to Brother Bean last night he seemed a bit low. He had work and school yesterday and no one to make a fuss over him. But if you are reading this Bro know that you are loved and we can’t wait to see you on the weekend. All you single girls living in the GTA who are looking for a fellow who has one of them fancy government jobs, is working on his Masters and loves Sci-Fi and Horror and is handsome and kind let me know, Brother Bean may be your man.

That’s all I got for now. I am going back to contemplating how many hours of exercise it is going to take to burn off that handful of jujubes I just ate. Why is it so hard to remember that I am trying to eat better. Mental block perhaps.

Bean – lover of all things sweet – and yes that does include you!

A graduation of a different sort.

2006-06-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I was off for a grand celebration of kindergarten graduation. I was a lovely occasion and my L’il Boy Bean is heading off to the wild and woolly world of Grade 1. At first I was a little confused as to why one would need to graduation from Kindergarten, but it was fun and fabulous and a real special time for the kids.

I am having some issues with how grown up my kids are getting. It is passing by so quickly. Sometimes I get caught in a rut of wishing it all away, so I would have more time for my own selfish pursuits and desires, but lately I just see it fleeing out of my grasp and I cherish every kiss, every hug and every conversation that I have with them.

So in other news. Oh yeah there is no other news. Same old…same old. Oh I got that job I mentioned in the last post, but what I can’t figure out (ok yes there are a lot of things I can’t figure out) but why was I disappointed to come in fourth? There were five positions so I wasn’t even last but it kind of made it less satisfying to me, and I was questioning if I really wanted the job. What is it about me that makes it so important that people love me and love me the best? This is odd and frankly quite annoying. I just wish I could be confident in all the things I do instead of feeling like I am continually pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes and if I don’t consistently try to be the funniest, or the nicest, or the most self sacrificial that they will catch on to me and not like me. And then what? Really if people don’t like me what is the harm? I’d be a lot more relaxed for sure if I wasn’t constantly striving for affection, or trying to prove to people why I deserve my job, family or any of the other things that are in my life that don’t suck. And if there is something in my life that does suck, then why is it my fault and how come the logical answer is that I did something to deserve it. This is sick and twisted behaviour. I need help!

I am sure that I am not the only one who feels this way but man it is tiring. I would like some freedom from it.

Oh I have to tell you about these treats that were made for the graduation event.
You take a miniature peanut butter cup and place a dollop of peanut butter on the narrow end. You then place a chocolate covered graham cookie on the top and using a fruit roll-up in the school colours, you cut a tassel and place it on top – yummy graduation caps! It was too cool!

Now hold on to your hats – I have an announcement to make. I am joining AFW’s (see top link under Daily Inspiration to your left)12 week challenge. I have decided that I am going to do a South Beach type of thing. So I will be updating here once a week under a challenge title. Goal is at least 20 lbs in 12 weeks. I will weigh tomorrow and post here. That is something I am not looking forward to as I have been avoiding the scale like it is diseased. Ignorance in bliss but it is finally time to stop and smell the roses! Wish me luck!

Bean Bean fo fean, banana fanana fo fean, fe fi fo fean BEAN!

Tuesday ramblings or Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus

2006-06-20T13:27:00.000-07:00

I am sure that you all are getting tired of the sporadic postings, but life has been a bit crazy lately. I had an interview for another position in the company, and it went well. I am waiting to hear about it. I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, but I am only human.

Well we did it, we tried out our camping legs this last weekend, and all things considered it went well. I do hate it, the bugs, the hard ground and lack of sleep, but on the other hand I love the joy it brings to the kids. They spent the weekend going non-stop, swimming and playing with other kids. There was no crying, whining or attitudes, (from the kids anyway) just fun.

It rained like a son of a gun on Friday night and I was very thankful to Bill and Nancy for letting us use their tent this season. We stayed nice and dry all night. I am hoping that next time we go out it will be a little more relaxed, and that I don’t have to run back and forth to town like I did this time. Why is it I can’t camp without forgetting diapers?

So what is it with the perpetual nuttiness of graduations. Grade 8 graduates getting limos and renting tuxs, and now much to my surprise kindergarten graduation. So where was I last night? Shuffling through the mall looking for a collared shirt and dress pants for the wee man. Oh vey. I am actually taking Thursday off of work so I can make sandwiches for the celebration. My life went from predictable to mega busy in like two weeks flat.

I can’t believe that in a week and a half, all my family will be on summer break. DH is a bus driver so he is off all summer with the kids. I am hoping that things go a bit better this summer and it is not all kinds of being pent up in the house and waiting for Mummy to get home for the fun to begin. I have asked that the kids have fields trips three times a week, either to the splash pad (two in town) or the park for a picnic, or out to the campground for a swim. I am hoping this happens, last summer was a nightmare and I don’t think I could survive another like it (for a refresher course go here)
I hope that things work out according to the picture in my head, but you all know how well that usually works for me. Damn that Bean and her lofty ambitions LOL!

Other than that not much else is happening. A loud sigh of relief happened last night when that clock clicked down those final seconds and hockey was finally over until October. So long, see you later, its been a blast, thanks for giving me back my husband, who, by the way showed no interest in sports the whole time we were dating and only since he has become a old married fart, has decided that hockey is important and no, he has always loved hockey, what are you talking about, woman?

So with that glimpse into the life and times of Bean, I will leave you with this parting thought…

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
--Henry David Thoreau

Bean

I am so bad at the consistency thing…

2006-06-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

Every day I want to make a post and then everyday turns into the next. My job is especially challenging right now, which I love and my family remains especially challenging, which I also love.

So there was no camping on the weekend the 6 degrees above 0 Celsius frigid temperatures kept us home. I set up the tent in the kids bedroom with an air mattress and flashlights so they didn’t feel too ripped off. They went to grandma’s the next day and had a lovely weekend. I had to work on Sunday which is odd because I thought when you grew up and got one of them fancy government jobs weekend work was a thing of the past, but no so much… Oh well, I can’t complain, they treat me nice around here.

L’il boy bean is a menace on his bicycle these days. He loves it so much. It is so fun to watch his enjoyment and him revelling in the freedom he now has. They grow up too soon. Mini Bean is going through some sort of mid toddler crisis, and is attitude personified. Good thing she is so cute. L’il boy Bean is growing up too fast and Mini Bean refuses to grow up at all, she is three and refuses to go to the potty or get rid of her plug (soother, sucky, pacifier).

I’m rather boring as I just realized that I am 99% drama free lately. What’s up with that? No major crisis now or even on the horizon. I like it.

My best girl Kim is with child and I am very happy for her. Part of me is a bit jealous (Ok a lot jealous) and part of me laughs hahaha have fun with that….. but babies just smell so darn good. So congratulations. Babies are nice.

Have I told you about my neighbourhood and the fun that ensues? I live on a crescent with townhouses, so a lot of the people there are in the same demographic as me. Lower middle class, lots of young kids and singles. It is a good neighbourhood, but sometimes it is too good. Last night I was dealing with a bike injury (see above) and having dinner, and during this time there was about 3 knocks on the door asking when we were coming out to play. No before you all go thinking that you wish you were that popular, they were all from the same little persistent girl, who in the long run got her way when I sighed and we went outside to play… (which of course resulted in further injury, which was what I was trying to avoid in the first place. sigh…)

Well now that I have rambled on about my kids, I figure another story wont phase you too much, and hey if you are still reading than
A) You’re interested
B) You’re nuts
C) You’re bored
L’il boy Bean went on his first bus trip today to the zoo. How much fun is that? I had a moment remembering the excitement, the long trips on the big yellow bus, hanging out with other kids parents, who were so much cooler than my own, or alternatively being the cool kid who’s parent came along. He was so excited, I am only regretting that I can not be there when he gets off the bus, because my silly job is keeping me late again tonight. It is a little frightening to let them go. What if his wrist starts hurting, what if he gets lost, what if he gets trapped in with the monkeys and realizes he has found his people and chooses not to come back. I know I will breathe a sigh of relief when I get the call here at work that they are home and all is well.

Well once again I amaze myself with my ability to fill this blog with mindless chatter and things to say.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.

Yours till Niagara Falls,

Bean

Where you been Bean?

2006-06-06T11:37:00.000-07:00

Well nowhere interesting. I have just been busy with work and life. It takes an incredible amount of energy to run the world, you know!

So I don’t even know what I want to talk about here. I will start by publicly welcoming my best girl Kim to Blog land. Kim and I have been friends since we were about 17. She is my bestest friend and the standard to which I hold all other friends too. Sadly most fail the test. (Not you guys though LOL!) Check Kim out over here.

So in other Bean news. Work has been crazy, but things have settled down significantly in the drama fest that had been going on. Or it could be that I just stopped caring. Either way I am not dreading going to work.

I am seriously considering trading in my Zippy 2000 model of brain for something a little less busy, or maybe just having an elective frontal lobotomy. I am so tired of super analysing everyone’s actions, words and behaviour to the point where I have created a whole new scenario that is entirely fictional. I am so sick of being wronged… not truly wronged, but the Zippy 2000’s magical methods of pent up aggression and fabricating wrongs. If I could just turn off the Zippy for a few minutes and stepped back and looked at things I would realize that ‘hey things are good, really good’. How was that for a nice segue in the neighbour story…

I am having a hard time with my neighbour. She is an excellent neighbour but unfortunately for her I am not a good neighbour or friend. I am opinionated, have too high of standards and I bottle things up. And when I have bottled things up to the point where I am really mad and everything you do is now a personal slight or attack, I am bound to blow. Well this happened last night with her daughter and I just feel stupid about it because when I backed away from the situation… that usually follows the outburst… I realized that it is not a one way street and she does as much for me as I do for her as evidenced by the beautiful garden she planted for me and a lot of other things as well. I just don’t know how to be a friend, to someone who is not Kim, but I need to learn, because Kim lives four hours away and we both have busy lives that leave little time for phone calls and friend stuff. It is funny though every time I open my bible these days I am reminded of the great commission – to love one another as God has loved us. This is hard. My job is to love and yesterday, I should have been fired, thank God for forgiveness, not only from my gracious neighbour who accepted my apology, her daughter, who also accepted my apology, and from God, who always give second chances and third, and fourth etc... What I need to work on and understand is why I expect everyone to act the way I would in situations and then get mad when that don’t have a clue about my high expectations and yet I could never be so bold as to tell people what I expect so it is a vicious circle.

So the big camping adventure starts this weekend, and it should be interesting to say the least. What with the brrrrrr chilly nights and the sleeping on the ground, oh yeah no running water or electricity, should be most excellent. And here is my mantra for the summer. Repeat 100 times until it is truth, “it is good for the kids”!

Oh by the way, I have not continued to smoke. My last cigarette was on May 28th. Thanks to God for his help in this matter!

It was interesting this morning I had my first semblance of a ‘maybe you should try to jump back on the diet bandwagon’ thought but then I took a deep breath and firmly squashed that thought! I am not ready, I am not sure if I ever will be.

Well for someone who had nothing to say, I have certainly found some words.

Take care my friends,

Bean

Who am I?

2006-05-28T09:12:00.000-07:00

Who are you? For people who do not frequent Lori’s site
you should, but if you don’t, I stole this from her. I was surprised how hard it was to fill out.
I think it gives a fairly good representation of who I am….

I AM: a mother and wife
I WANT: a camping trailer
I WISH: I had more money
I HATE: intolerance
I MISS: my best girl Kim
I FEAR: that something bad will happen to my kids
I WONDER: if I am following my destiny or if I am way off track
I REGRET: smoking those cigarettes on May 20th and beyond
I AM NOT: as happy as I desire to be
I DANCE: when listening to my DH’s band play
I SING: a lot, mostly in the car
I CRY: when I hear sad songs and when I am angry
I AM NOT ALWAYS: genuine
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a mean chocolate chip cookie
I WRITE: in my blog
I CONFUSE: work relationships with friendships
I NEED: a real vacation
I SHOULD: stop striving and relax in who I am as God’s child
I START: diets
I FINISH: very few things I start

Things are moving along tickity boo. I am still having issues at work but it has been a good exercise for me in realizing who and what is really important in life and where my energies should be devoted. Still it is sad and it sucks, but the further I step away from the situation, the clearer it becomes that this is the way it has always been, I just needed to realize it but it shakes the foundation of your belief system to realize that people you genuinely care/d about just don’t have the same level of feelings for you. Knowledge is a dangerous thing. I am now more aware of when someone is talking to me because there is no one else to talk to, and that is not good enough for me, so I am keeping to myself and smiling and being pleasant, but the line has defiantly been drawn in the sand.

Church is good. I went to talk to the counsellor at the church about some of the questions, concerns and irrational fears I have been having and I got some excellent advice which was basically stop trying so hard. That was nice.

I have been smoking. Not at work and not in front of the kids, but smoking none the less. It makes me so angry with myself. I am trying to not smoke today and move forward as a non-smoker but man it is hard. A part of me just want to say “Oh well I am a smoker again” but the other side of me says “Oh, come on now, you have come this far,” and the other part of me says “Just have a couple at night, what’s the harm?” I am wrestling with this, and as I sit here craving a cigarette the smoking seems so attractive.

Well make sure to stop by Hilly’s which is always a fun read. I am so glad for her and that I found her. She is so supportive in her comments and faithful to her bloglist. Thanks Snackie. If you have never visited you should (it is easy just click here) for her amazing insight, inspiration and ton of laughs!

Talk at you soon.

Bean

If the weather were a person,

2006-05-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

and I were a doctor, I would prescribe some bi-polar medication for it.

What a wonderful thing it is to be off work for three days. What a terrible thing it is to return. And return I did with another day spent in conference call after conference call. I will be so glad when this project is finished.

The wedding was a lot of fun and it was nice to spend some time with my friend and her family. I will admit that I smoked a few cigarettes. Bad Bad Bean. I have had none since, but let me tell you it is tempting. No head rush either, it was just like I had never quit. Cursed evil weed!

So we headed out to the campground on Monday to drop in one our friends, and I had a startling realization, that this is really not what I like. When you are using the outhouse facilities and get up and go to flush, you can bet it has been one long winter. I think if we could get a trailer it would not be so bad, but I am not looking forward to another summer of spending every other weekend sleeping on the ground and chasing after the kids and keeping them alive while my darling drinks beer. I will get over it, and once I am actually doing it, it will all be fine. The kids love it and can't wait to get out there, but I think perhaps when it gets a bit warmer. We had hail this weekend for crying out loud.

‘Lil Boy Bean had his first sleep over this weekend and it was a raving success. Now if he could just clean his room so I wouldn’t have to fear losing the boys in the abyss of toys that is his room, we could return the favour. Like mother like son. Jimmy Hoffa came to visit me July 30th, 1975 and hasn’t been seen since. I think he might be under that pile of clothes in the corner. Just kidding.

I have been contemplating telling you my purple kool-aid story, and if you promise not to get the wrong ideas read on…

I am in church on Sunday and they are singing a lot of songs about dying for your faith and stuff like that, and then I notice some scurrying about, and I was struck with this nutty fear that they were getting the purple kool-aid out. I believe in dying for your faith but come on I live in Canada, that’s not a real reality in my world. Issue averted, no kool-aid but I wonder about my church sometimes. They are a little out there, not that that is a bad thing, and I suspect that 80% of it is genuine, but it is the 20% I worry about. There seems to be a lot of mass hysteria and following that happens and I am having a hard time buying in and I refuse to ‘fake it’ and no one can tell me that that is a bad thing.

I still feel weird about posting that here, and I am not discounting God, please understand that Church is not God, and there is nothing weird about God, but when you get a bunch of people together for Church, whether you have a denomination or religion or whatever, oddness will ensue. God is cool, church can be a bit sketchy. And that’s all I have to say about that. Hey if you can’t tell your blog, who can you tell?

Bean

Graduation Day

2006-05-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to let you all know I am off for a three day weekend - yes it is good to be a Canadian, 3 day weekend and .90 on the American dollar. Life is good.

So I have come to the strange realization that I am old. I am no longer going to weddings of my friends but wedding of my friend’s children. Ouch. It is funny I am 18 in my mind and 35 in real life. Huston we have a problem. I sometimes wake up a wonder ‘hey what happened?’ I am married with two children, and yet I don’t fell grown up or responsible enough to take care of a houseplant let alone a family.

So besides the wedding this weekend, it should just be some fun and relaxing family time. I want to take the kids to see ‘Over The Hedge’ so that should be fun.

My sister graduates from University St. Mary’s in Halifax today. So congratulations to her. She just found out that she was accepted to Queen’s here in Kingston for Teacher’s College, so she will be closer next year (maybe too close LOL) This makes me happy. My Mom, Dad and my sister (the twin of the graduate) have gone out to celebrate with her. So I hope they keep safe and have fun and take lots of pictures. Yeah for you Sister, what an incredible accomplishment. I love you.

If you are looking for some interesting talk radio, please check out The Future is Yesterday and listen to Wiretap. Its Nifty.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Bean

I will never understand…

2006-05-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

I had testing this week for a job within my organization. I was pre interview selection testing and it was odd. It was an essay type question that made entirely no sense. You are ‘insert position here’ of a large company how would you do “insert an entirely unrelated task here’. It was so odd that I came back and asked my boss if ‘entirely unrelated task’ was actually supposed to be part of ‘insert position here’. It made mo sense. So supposing they just want to see the magical thought process of Bean ~ then I rocked the Casaba but if ‘entirely unrelated task’ was what they were actually looking for then I guess I remain here. The funniest thing about this testing was for a job I applied for the job in September of 2005.

I really appreciate the supportive comments on the last post. You girls ROCK! Things are looking a little brighter, and I am a little smarter, which is never a bad thing. Hey what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger… Blah Blah Blah…. So anyhoo thanks for the support! It was needed and appreciated and I knew you would come through!

I am going home soon to continue to work on my ark. I am not sure where you are all at but man it has been raining here. My flowerbeds are flourishing but I just want to be dry, and get a little sun, so I can get rid of that ‘it has been a long cold winter’ glow to my legs!

I know I don’t usually talk TV here but, as I am the only one I know who watches ANTM
(what exactly does that say about me, I am not sure, but I am going with slightly superior than everyone else…)I just want to say that although Danielle is a pretty girl, I really wanted Joanie to get it. And that all I have to say about that except for ‘HAHAHAHA Jade, you are a whack job! Get help.’ Snap Snap Snap.

So I am ending this happy post with this thought of the day.

Mark 6 vs. 4 & 5 NIV

Jesus said to them, “Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in is own home, is a prophet without honour.” He could not do any miracles there except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

What this says to me is that without faith – total and complete - Jesus/God/Holy Spirit can do NO work in my life, regardless as to whether he wants to or not. It says he COULD NOT, not chose not to, not did not, but could not.

This is just my mini revelation of the day. I need to work on my faith.

Brighter (and hopefully less drizzly) days ahead,

Bean

What’s up hombres?

2006-05-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

Yes I am a jerk who does not post as often as they should. I took Thursday and Friday off from work and spent yesterday mostly crying and being cranky which brings us here, Tuesday afternoon.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you realize that you are way more important to someone’s life than they are to yours? It makes you feel kind of crappy and yet superior in some weird sort of way. Let me tell you… being on the receiving end of this SUCKS!

It sucks to realize that you just don’t matter that much. Your not as important as you thought you were and really if you died, sad but moving on….

So here I am dealing with my hurts and licking my wounds.

I will write more later when I am feeling less shaky and fragile.

Bean

BTW the cool comics come from NatalieDee check her out here!

Under the knife clarification

2006-05-10T06:05:00.000-07:00

Lori http://crumbsonme.blogspot.com had a question in the comments of my last post that I will address here.

I had weigh loss surgery (RNY) in October of 2001 at Scarborough General in Toronto by a skilled surgeon by the name of Dr. Ayers. I was in the hospital for 11 days and had no serious complications. It was a most unpleasant time but I was determined to do this and I grinned and bore it. When I went in for Surgery I weighed 347 lbs. I lost about 100 pounds with my lowest weight being 245.

I then had a baby, Mini Bean was born March 10,2003 and I put on about 20 pounds. I joined WW in November of 2004 at 266. My lowest weight on Weight Watchers was 239.5 on November 23 2005. I had my last cigarette November 15 of 2005 and put on 26 pounds until my next recorded weigh in on February 22, 2006 of 265.5. This is where I hover.

So here is where I am today.

What do I think the new surgery will do for me?
With any luck allow me to lose another 100 pounds and be a normal weight.

Why would this time be different?
Well there would be the initial weight loss that is virtually guaranteed by the surgery, but I think you mean, what would keep me from gaining?
Good question and you all know my mantra “it is not brain surgery” but a part of me thinks that maybe if I got to a place where I was no longer obese and was normal, maybe it would be different. It hurts my heart so much to have gone through what I have gone through and still remain obese. It seems like such a waste. I am so far away from 347 that I forget how much better my life is now. How much more energy I have and how when I reached 247 I said to myself, I don’t care if I ever lose another pound, I am so happy with the 100 I have lost. That euphoria has worn off and here I am once again looking a fix to take me through the next 100 pounds.

Also this is a different type of surgery with a better success rate than the RYN. It is the Duodenal Switch surgery and you can read more about it here http://www.oaklandbariatrics.com

So there you have it.

Bean

Under the knife?

2006-05-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. 35 million came and 35 million went, so your stuck with me! Wahahahahah (that’s and evil laugh for all of you that are not plugged into my mind)

Things are moving along. It amazes me sometimes, I had to write a cheque this morning for Lil Bean’s school activity and as I was counting out the months on my fingers I was amazed that we were in the 5th month. Man this year is almost halfway gone. Where does the time go?

Man I’ve realized that I am quite boring, but here is a little story for all you faithful that tune in.

So a package came for me yesterday from a Doctor in the US. As my most darling is home all day (between driving that big sexy yellow bus) he of course intercepted it.

DH : so what was that that came in the mail?
Bean: Nutin
DH: Oh come on now!
Bean: exaggerating gesture towards the girls..
DH : You can get that done in Canada!
Bean : in head – man there is no fooling this guy…
Bean : It is a weight loss Doctor that can do a revision on my operation
DH: shocked look and walks away
Bean: I’m just exploring my options
DH : Go back to Weight Watchers
Bean: It’s not working
DH : You were thinnest you have ever been when you were walking and going to Weight Watchers and then you stopped…
Bean : In head – story of my life and it wasn’t thin enough!
Bean : I’m going to try something else and give it a real effort, but if it doesn’t work and I can’t get past the 240 barrier than we will discuss it in a year. Okay?
DH : I just want you to be happy.

Happy. What is going to make me happy a quick fix with maybe lasting results, or a long struggle that will be a permanent fix, a fix that figures out why I eat and doesn’t try to control the food but controls the spirit? The lazy Bean says get on the bus and get the operation. The sensible Bean says “Enough is enough.” I am so sick of fighting this. I am sick of diet books. I am sick of counting points or calories for everything that goes in my mouth. I am sick of feeling like a lesser person because I am overweight. I am sick of blaming food for all my problems. I am sick of the rejection and hurts that being overweight cause.

Wow I am one sick puppy eh?

Part of me wishes this was my decision alone, because there would be no question. I would get the operation, risks be damned, but I can’t. The Bean family unit needs me. A healthy me. So I need to get off my duff, get over my anger and my hurt and get on the path to recovery. This should be fun (and no that is NOT sarcasm you detect, okay maybe a little!).

Well that’s all folks, thanks for tuning in. Better days ahead? You bet.

Bean

If you are happy and you know it…

2006-05-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

I’m having that Friday afternoon, better do it now, anxiety about posting, but here I sit with not much to say. Things are moving along as always slow and steady. Not to high, not to low. Not to hot, not to cold, man it sucks to be me.

I did purchase a ticket for the lotto ~ 35 million dollars, so I have a least a small window of spending the money in my mind, before my hopes are dashed and some 92 year old billionaire with no family wins it and wills it to his 13 year old Pomeranian “Mitzy" and the society for Pomeranian acceptance.

I was having some sort of break down earlier in the week and wondering why this whole God thing wasn’t the thrill a minute that I had anticipated. It is hard work loving your neighbour and all that jazz. It is even harder when you have the Zippy 2000 model of brain that questions everything. But upon reflection and a good dose of counselling it was brought to my attention that perhaps this is a good thing, running this whole commitment to a better life on faith and not on feelings. You build a foundation on feelings and you are apt to come crashing down hard when the feelings ebb. More like real life love than the Hollywood version. So I am good with that and I keep trudging on. Don’t get me wrong there are some obvious signs and wonders in my life, a peace that I didn’t have before, a renewed love for my husband that I can only credit the supernatural for, cause believe you me it was just not in me by my power alone, and a thirst for knowledge. I need to relax and realize that I don’t need to be a super Christian right out of the gate, but it is a process of growth and change. Good thing!

On the weight loss front, I picked up a book last night that had been kicking around in my ginormous stack of diet books for a while called the Weigh Down diet. (I wonder how many fat girls out there don’t have a ginormous stack of diet books?) It is different that anything I have ever tried before, but maybe that is what I need. It talks about stopping dieting and recognizing hunger, eating only when hungry, and asking God for help. It says some people may need to go up to 36 hours before they have hunger, but the body will regulate once it gets used to performing as it was designed. I kind of believe it. I don’t remember the last time I have ever been hungry. I am so programmed to eat at the designated times ~ and all stops in between ~ that hunger is foreign to me. When I do on the rare occasions feel that sight twinge, well then I am starving and fading away to a shadow LOL. I am going to read the book and then give it a try. I paid a whole 50 cents for it at the Sally Ann so it is not like it is a huge investment. I obviously need something new as the same old, same old just ain’t cutting the mustard.

Well groovy girls/guys have a super weekend. See ya on the flip side (unless I win the 35 million and then in the words of Cartman – "screw you guys I’m going home" well in my case shopping!)

Bean

Lets just start off by saying

2006-05-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the confusion with the last post, all who know me, and yes that includes all you groove monkeys peeking in on me, should know by now that I am not the most focused of people. I’m here. I’m there, I’m everywhere. Just the way I should be.

So what is new in my lower middle class suburban life? Not a whole lot. Mini Bean is potty training and actually peed in the potty today! Go girl. I wish I had a digital camera to show you, but yesterday she was admiring herself in the mirror while wearing her pink Star Catcher pony leisure suit and her pink cat eye sun glasses, And she turned to me and said (please imagine just three year old lisp) “I look like a movie star “ to which I could only reply “Why, yes you do!” Where do they come up with this stuff?

Lil Boy Bean is growing out of everything. And just a question to you all out there, when did homework become the norm in Kindergarten? As he was crying at the table this morning because he just couldn’t get it (and I was too busy rushing around to give him the proper attention and patience he deserved ~ must remember to apologize when I get home), all I could think of was “how many years until I get out of homework prison” yes I know bad mummy thoughts, but come on, it can be all about me in my head if I want it to be. So there ~ you’re dead at recess… nanananana na

Amusing story, I am sure that I have mentioned before that hubby plays in a rock and roll band right? If not, he is the drummer in a band named Camels Hump – cover tunes and the like. Well they had their first gig this weekend in Kingston, and they have been trying to break into the market here for a while, so I took the afternoon off work and whisked the kids of to the grandparents and then got myself all gussied up and went out to support my man. So here I am at the bar with some friends from work and they boys play a slow song, so the bass player’s girl and I head out onto the dance floor to dance (like we always do~ minds out of the gutter girls, imagine friendly twirls and dips – strictly silly.) And some young men decide to rescue us from our obvious inability to get a real dance partner and cut in on us. So here I am – with at least 12 years on the poor lad that is dancing with me – and that is being generous! Well as he pulls me close he asks me where I work and I tell him, then he pulls me closer and tells me that he works at the hemporium downtown, and do I smoke weed. So I have to tell him that no, I gave it up when I had the babies… It was weird and awkward. He’s pulling me close and stroking my back, I’m pushing away and am probably as red as a lobster… what I want to know is when did I become an old lady prude? Too funny. It still makes me chuckle!

Another observation, going to the bar and not drinking does not hold the same appeal as really tying one on – but had I really tied one on, I would have been out back necking with the wee lad, so lets just say it was good to be sober. However, my groove thing is obviously fuelled by alcohol, because I think I resembled a very round Elaine Benes every time I was on the dance floor.

And yet I keep dancing!

Bean

The desires of my heart

2006-04-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

Everything is not always going to be the way you think it ought to be.

"http://newlifeemerging.blogspot.com"
This is what I want for my life.

...and that’s all I have to say about that!

Bean

Some mornings couldn’t start better

2006-04-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

So this morning I am greeted by “good morning mummy” and a big smile from the little girl, and a “I don’t want to get up my feet will get cold” from my little man to Boobahs in stereo while breakfast was being consumed. (Imagine rubber headed soft bodied lumps that sing, dance and yes fart if you press their feet or hands)

I love my life, and no I am not being sarcastic. I wouldn’t trade small moments like this for anything.

A quickie

2006-04-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hello all, not much to report. I am going to my last WW meeting tomorrow and I am walking away with my head held high. I came I tried and I realized that this is not for me. If I could have seen some real results from the women I have been involved with in this group, but there is just something holding us all back and no one is having the success we should be having. There is a real lack of motivation and it is turning into a confessional about how we cheated than how we are overcoming our issues. When I bring up my questions about “not what but why’ it is just kind of poo poo’d and I am told to stick to my points.

Points don’t matter when I am sneaking out at night to go to the bulk barn to buy candy that I hide. Points do matter when I eat so much I throw up and then head right back to the fridge. I need healing, I need to fill the hole in my heart and not the hole in my stomach. I need to finally be free of this.

I’ve been all over my own personal blogsphere today dropping encouraging words and being so proud of the strong and beautiful women I associate with, and the whole time I am wishing I could encourage and love myself enough to just do this.

I am working on forgiveness issues with my counsellor and the person I am having the biggest problem forgiving is myself. Thank God for his capacity for forgiveness, but how can I apply that to my life. It is easy to forgive mean gym teachers and boys who treated me bad, I wasn’t responsible for their actions, but I am responsible for my own and how can I possibly forgive myself?

Wow, guess some things just need to get out.

There you have it. Light and frothy as always.

Bean

Oh the plans of mice and men…

2006-04-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

You know last post where I went on about all the outdoor time I would be having and cleaning be damned…
It rained all weekend, cold wet drizzly rain. It is raining again today. So there was no groovy outside time, there was no bike riding bliss, the training wheels are still on and you guessed it, the house is clean.

Something about cleaning the house though, as much as I detest the job, I love the results. I love it when the porcelain in the bathroom shines, I love the floors looking clean, with no evidence of a sloppy cook and two kids who leave a trail of Freshie (Kool-Aid type beverage with a crazy parrot on the package ~ funny thing although I now only buy Kool-Aid as it is all that is available, it is always referred to as Freshie, some things from childhood refuse to die!) wherever they go.

My father-in-law an crazy aunt Marion came over on Sunday for supper and DH BBQ’d ribs in the pouring rain, and they were g double o good! I just deleted a huge rant about family that you can’t choose and decided it was better left unsaid. I can be such a bitchy-poo when I want to be. If only they were rich, I could justify being nice… (I think I just sprouted a horn!)

This weekend at church was good. I met some more people and had a good time. Sunday night was a service with a bunch of churches in the Kingston region and it was good to let go of religion and denominations for a while and just be children of God together.

There is a job posted at work that I think I am going to apply for. It has been almost 4 years since I had an interview but I need a change and it would be a great learning experience.

I spent some time with a 14 year old girl this weekend, and it brought back all kinds of memories about what it was like to be 14 and all the insecurities involved and how fragile you are at that age. I wouldn’t wish 14 on my worst enemy! All that anxiety about boys and peer pressure, yucky. I’ll take 35 with all the anxiety about boys and peer pressure, at least I can get in my car and drive away (or to the nearest pizza joint anyway!) Oh Bean your so silly!

Well this light and frothy post was brought to you by the letter “J” and the number “6”.

See ya amigos!

Bean

Friday Already?

2006-04-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

I’ve been meaning to post all week and have been very busy at work so I get started on a post and then the next thing I know it is the next day and I haven’t posted again.

Thanks for your comments on the previous post. It is kind of hard to put yourself out there, I could write what I wanted when I was the only one looking at my blog, and then I started making some friends and making comments on other blogs and the next thing you know I am part of this wonderful circle of strong and interesting women, who all have a different point of view. I learn so much from all of you, and I love it when you comment on what I have to say.

So after my last post I got all freaked out and was thinking about what I had posted and how when this works what a testimony to the awesome power of God it will be, but if it doesn’t it will be another “I told you so” for people who are looking for every excuse to debunk a higher power.

I think we are born with a void in our lives. A place that is there for God to fill. I know I have spent my whole life trying to fill my hole, either with relationships with men and the false love (sex is not love) and food. Truth be told this has got me nowhere. It is by the grace of God that I didn’t get some gross disease or pregnant before I met my DH. Food works no better, the hole is still there and I just keep getting bigger.

So I am trying to fill my hole with God. I am happier than I have been in a long time, and I have a wonderful peace about things. I am still eating – overeating - but I am not so tied up in knots about it. I feel kind of free. I don’t expect to wake up thin, or that it will not be hard work, but I have the support of someone who loves me and understands me better than I understand myself that I can turn at any time.

We have the kids this weekend, so it should be fun. I love this time of year, people are out and about, neighbours stop by to say hello, the kids are playing on yards and on porches, a trip to the park is an cost free outing and everyone seems happier. I love spring.

I am going to visit a good friend on Saturday who I haven’t seen in a while and I am looking forward to it. Her daughter is getting married in May so she is all frazzled with wedding plans and pulling everything together. I expect to be outside for a good portion of the weekend kicking soccer balls and helping little man with his bike riding skills. He want the training wheels off but he is still falling off with a consistency that is impressive with them on. What is a Mom to do? I really need to clean as we are having company next weekend, but it just isn’t a priority for me. My husband wishes it was, but I have never been a clean freak. It if is a toss up between cleaning, and just about anything else, guess what wins? Your right Anything Else for 200 Alex!

Well I am out of here! I hope you all ahve a wonderful weekend. Dinah34 where you at girl?

Bean

A new direction

2006-04-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a pleasant Easter, mine was amazing. I had dinner at my family on Saturday and the DH’s family on Sunday. Throw in church, I seemed to be there a lot, and some good family time and you have it a most excellent Easter weekend. I love love love 4 day weekends, three day weekends are nice but four is the perfect length. If I ever become independently wealthy I think I will make every weekend a four day weekend, and then I come crashing back to reality and realise that I would just start whining for five day weekends if every weekend was four days. Oh Bean always striving!

I am sure I am not alone when I say I ate way too much and I sure hope I am not alone when I say I enjoyed every bite!

I have decided to shift my focus from what I am eating to why I am eating. I am sure that this will send some of the people that peek in here packing, but hey this blog is for me so if you are staying yeah and if you are not don’t forget t check in once and a while!

I am so fed up with the whole thing. I was trying to explain to my cube farm friend, why I am giving up Weight Watchers. I have had weight loss surgery and I am still obese. Something is obviously more deep seeded than just food and liking to eat jelly beans. Maybe it is a sugar addiction, maybe it is trying to fill a void, although my life seems very complete right now, maybe it is rebellion, but here is what I plan on doing about it…

Ready… I’m giving it over to God. I am made in His likeness and I am His child, so the problem is HIS to deal with. I have tried everything in my power, so now it is time for Him to display His power. I fully expect and have faith that healing will occur. I am keeping up the ticker and will weigh in on the 1st and 15th of the month. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t expect to eat my face off and lose weight, I expect healing from the pain and hurts and problems that cause me to stuff and turn to food. I will do my part, because God helps those who help themselves. When I am binging, I will pray, I will cut back on the sugar and seek guidance through prayer and counselling.

It has become so obvious to me the freedom I have in God. I have been fighting it my whole life and now that I have surrendered and have decided to let God be the centre focus of my life, I feel so free, happy, content and complete. And I believe that God will make me better. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13.

If realize this may be too out there for some of you, but I will not apologize for loving and believing in God. This is not religion I am taking about, this is a living God who I am developing an awesome relationship with. If you decide to leave, good luck and God bless, if you stay it may prove to be an interesting run.

Love you all.

Bean

Waxing Poetic

2006-04-13T11:58:00.000-07:00

I guess I had better post. I have been keeping up with you all and happy to hear you are all doing so well. I love Blog land. I feel closer to some of you people that I have never met than I do with a lot of the people I encounter in my daily life. I guess in Blog land it is easy to filter out the good from the not so good. I really feel I have found the best of the best and I enjoy following your adventures. We all have so much more in common than our weight struggles. Parenting issues, relationship issues, motivation issues. I know that Lori is struggling as well as whether to keep her blog weight loss focused or branch out into other areas. My personal opinion is that we are all more than our weight loss struggles. I have been off points for about two weeks now and I have not posted as much as I usually do. Part of me is ashamed of myself and part of me didn’t want it to be the same old litany about how I am struggling, I ate a gazillion calories, I cheated again, I went to McDonalds…. Who cares? What about the good stuff? Like laughing at the most amazing wit of my husband and telling you the story of him waltzing across the parting lot of Best Buy and exclaiming in his most uncanny Rudolph voice “She thinks I’m cute” cause I was teasing him about the mondo zit on his swollen red nose. What about how my kids are a delight every minute except for the minutes when I want to strangle them, what about my life and how much better it has become since I found a church home? What about my belief that God will heal me of my compulsive overeating? What about the new friend I have made and how nice it is to have a girl friend? What about the fact I am getting a new roof, my love of ANTM, how excellent the Chronicles of Narnia was and how mean-spirited and disturbing Wolf Creek was? How about my workplace and my success and failures there?

I am more than my weight loss struggles, and I would like to share this stuff as well. I think I need to learn (am learning)that I am more than my fat but my fat is a symptom of what I am.

On that odd ~ not at all where I was planning to go ~ note. I love you all, and have a wonderful Easter. Like a good government employee I have a four-day weekend, so I wont be back until Tuesday, with lots of neat stuff to talk about!

BTW – I didn’t officially weigh in a weight watchers this week, I took a pass, and that’s okay… I’m smart enough, I’m good enough and gosh darn it people like me!

Bean (aka Stuart Smally)

A post in two parts....

2006-04-07T10:00:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

Happy Friday. Once again the posts are few and far between. It has been pretty busy at work. We had some sadness this week as one of our co-workers died too young and alone. The building is very sad and angry over the loss.

Weight Watchers was cancelled until today at lunch. I am debating whether to take a pass or face the music, and I think I will face the music.

It has been a whirlwind of a week and I am looking forward to the break of the weekend. The kids are going to Grandma’s so it is truly a break!

I’m back…

Well the weigh in was as expected and I am up 1 pound. Like I said however, I am OK with that. It is back on the wagon for next week – starting now. I’ve had my fun, but this week has been a true example as to why I should track and count my points, because it is too easy to let it get away from me. The funny thing is that often when things were getting in my mouth this week, it was a definite shrug of the shoulders and a big “I don’t care”. And I really didn’t. This is not my usual defeatist thing, it is just I have bigger things going on than my eating. This is a lifestyle change and life happens and this is how I cope. I hope to one day be free of this and learn other coping methods. Baby steps!

As for anything else, not much, Li’l girl bean has a wicked black eye and is milking it for all its worth and Li’l boy bean is one funny kid. I am blessed

Have a wonderful weekend.

Bean

I got nufin'

2006-04-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

So here I am again staring at a blank page and trying to think of something witty to say. Nope nufin’. Sorry folks. I wish I could share what is really going on in my life with regards to the important things (sorting out my spirituality) but I just don’t think this is the venue and I am not ready to start a new blog to get into that, so if it spills out a bit here, bear with me.

Spring has sprung and nothing makes me happier. Mind you it is frickin cold and blustery here today, but I am expecting better things for the week to come.

In family news, my youngest sis got accepted to teacher’s college in Thunder Bay and is waiting to hear from three more schools. My true wish is that Queens takes her and then she would be here in the city with me. I haven’t had her around for the last 3 years as she has been in Halifax at St. Mary’s so the selfish part of me wants her here and close. My other sister in Red Deer is looking into buying a home – exciting times for her! My other sis is chillin’ at Ma and Pa’s and baby brother is working on his masters in some sort of Government related field and looking for some gainful employment. I love my sibs, I just wish they would hurry up and get married so I can have some wedding/new baby fun!

My eating has been atrocious, and I’m OK with that, oddly enough. Check back with me tomorrow after weigh in though and it may be a different story. I never claimed I was stable.

Yeah for Anne and her new house purchase.
Yeah for Lori and her on track weekend.
Yeah Double Yeah for SnackiePoo and her always insightful and motivating posts.
Yeah for Dinah34 and her managing to cope thorough the schizophrenic inducing stages of baby rearing – it does get better.
Yeah for me – for being me.

Talk soon.

Bean

Sorry for the lack of posts...

2006-03-31T07:02:00.000-08:00

Nothing super exciting going on, but for a change I am smoking busy at work. I think I am on the other side of this project and things are getting back to normal and I now have time to blog! I have been ok with my eating, not stellar, but OK. We have been getting out for walks with the babies every night. Lil boy bean is learning how to manoeuvre on his bike. Man, if I fell off my bike or landed on the ground as much as he did I would totally give up, but my little man just picks himself up and keeps going. A lesson to be learned, perhaps?

So here it is Friday. I have worked for the last six days and I am looking forward to a break this weekend. The weather is supposed to be beautiful, so it will be lots of outside time. I need to seriously get some house work done, but it has waited this long….

Not much else to report. If you will direct your attention to the ticker up top you will notice that I lost another pound and a half, so the reverse tracking seems to be working. I was a little disappointed by the number, but quickly got over it and am claiming my success. I just wish weight would come off as quickly and efficiently as it goes on.
I am trying not to be resentful of my “quit smoking” pounds as I feel so much better since I have given up the killer weed – not to mention that I smell so much better too! I am still well below my highest weight post WLS loss. (long and complicated story can be found in earlier posts ~ quick summary WLS is not brain surgery) I am going in the right direction.

I need to focus on maintaining/tracking 7 days a week, I am sure my ‘numbers’ would be even better. I found the 100 calories packs (now in Canada Yippee) so these are my new favourite 2 point snack. I have tried all three flavours available and love them all. It is a perfect snack and there is enough in the pack to actually feel like you have had a snack.

Here’s to keep on keeping on.
Have a wonderful weekend!
Keep up the good work Dinah34! You go girl!

Bean

Monday/Tuesday

2006-03-28T08:14:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and the sun was shining and my mood was lifted.
I had a wonderful weekend, besides having to work on Sunday, which was lame but everything went well and there was much celebrating this morning as people were using the new system.

Lil Boy Bean had a wonderful time at Chuck E. Cheese. It was horrendously expensive, but worth every penny just to see the joy on his face. Birthdays are only once a year. Grandma got him a bike and he was pretty excited, so we will be getting out for bike rides after supper.

I love this time of year when the days get longer and you are more inclined to get ‘on your bike’ so to speak!

I purchased a new pair of running shoes this weekend, so it is back to walking. I have missed it, but without proper footwear I was just damaging myself. Loafers don’t cut it for the type of walking I was doing, and my old running shoes were making me bleed. Not a good thing.

So the eating has been off kilter this weekend. I don’t think I was too bad, but I must start tracking on the weekends. I know I am making excuses but I was so busy this weekend with the party and work on Sunday but back to tracking today!

I’ve decided that I am going to make a conscious effort to live in the today and not worry about tomorrow or yesterday, but here and now. I am tired of wasting my life, waiting until I am thin or rich or happy or any of the other things I think I have to wait for to start living life. If I keep waiting, one day I am going to wake up and realize that it has been a colossal waste of a life. I want to run and play with my kids now. I want to act silly with them now. I want to swim with them now. Not when I look amazing in a bathing suit ~ ain’t ever going to happen, when my thighs don’t jiggle ~ ain’t ever going to happen. When I am rich enough to buy back any incriminating photos of said bathing suit and thighs ~ ain’t ever going to happen. Today, Now, Live!

Bowel Buddy Update – much improvement in this area. I am happy with the results and the 4 points for this is well worth the benefits received. Two thumbs up! Now I just need to get over my fear/distaste for the at work poo. I am a work in progress, baby steps…

Later

The above was from yesterday and I didn’t get it posted. (I am a terrible speller and like to compose my posts in word and then copy them in to the blog)

So now it is Tuesday, not much to report, we went out for an hour long walk/wagon/bike last night. It was nice to be out with the whole family. A good time was had by all. Weigh in tomorrow and I am hoping for good things.

Not much else to report, eating has been just OK but I am sticking within my points. I do enjoy the reverse journaling; it seems to be working for me. Now I just need to focus on counting/journaling every day and not just Wed-Friday!

I’ll update tomorrow after weigh in – keep your fingers crossed for me!

Bean (loving the signs of spring)

Fridays are for…

2006-03-24T10:20:00.000-08:00

wishing I hadn’t eaten so much crap last night so that I had more to eat at work today.
Oh well. I will learn, and it is easier to exercise some control around my eating at work with the systems I put in place, no money, only pack healthy snacks, food police…etc. However there are some lovely donuts in our lunch room – needless to say I am avoiding the lunch room.

Well my wee boy turns six tomorrow and we are having the big celebration at Chuck E Cheese. He is very excited, and I am too. I can’t believe that he will be six. If seems like only yesterday, I was screaming that they had better pull this baby out or shove it back in because I quit… a good pregnant person I was not, but I am a good mom. My boy is so much like me. Chubby, insecure, and seeking approval just like Mom. I wish I had a magic wand to wave and could erase all those insecurities both in him and I.
He is a magical child, full of adventure and imagination. He has a sweet soul and a wicked sense of humour. I hope we are not warping him too much! Happy Birthday my boy!

So here is how the eating is progressing – I’m loving this reverse counting.

2 muffetts with brown sugar at work yesterday 3pt - flex allowance remaining 32pts

1 cup WW Spaghetti 3pts
½ cup sauce 1pt
10 meatballs 6 pt (according to nutritional info on bag)
veggie 0pt

popcorn 3 pt (this night time binging must stop)
jelly beans 3pt
cookies 6pt

bowel buddy 4pt
sm wrap with chicken 3pt
cup o’ soup 1pt
cucumber 0pt
orange 1 pt

31 pt 31 flex point remaining

I may post on Sunday as I have to work for our quarterly release and there will be lots of down time while we hurry up and wait.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Bean

C is for cookie....

2006-03-23T10:15:00.000-08:00

Hello! I didn’t want to know, but a Big Mac has how many points? (12 if your guessing) How many grams of fat? (28 – hello might as well eat a stick of butter)

So guess where the family had dinner last night. We had these coupons so I thought I would just have a chicken grill or something, but the coupon stated (which I didn’t realize until I got there) that you had to get the same sandwich, and being the cheapo that I am I decided to eat the big mac. It was Ok but not worth the 12 points.

This reverse journaling may work for me though, because if I stay on my plan and don’t raid the candy dish – then I am on track to complete my day with 30 points consumed.
And that is with some very bad eating behaviour.

So Snackie and Foo Foo have been discussing hunger and eating patterns on their blogs, which has been interesting. I was trying to think about why six cookies got into my mouth when I arrived home from work yesterday. I wasn’t hungry (see lament about eating all day at work yesterday) but I think it was the sneaky part of me. No one was home and I had 15 minutes before the family would arrive home so I ate, first three and then with a glance at the clock, three more. Who was I hiding from? DH wouldn’t have said anything, the kids would have wanted to join me. Do cookies eaten under a veil of secrecy not count? Of course they do. Who am I fooling, no one. And then I wonder why the scale only moves ½ a pound. I need to start being honest with myself. Being sneaky is not an attractive quality. I would like it to not be a part of me. Sneaky eventually equates to guilt, and Lord knows I have enough guilt already controlling my life.

Food on the reverse tracking – Wednesday/Thursday

6 x cookies 5pt
Big Mac 12 pt
Coffee with cream 1pt
½ moon 3pt
2 cookies 2pt
bowel buddies 4pt
salad 0pt
dressing – ff cantilena 0pt
cup o’ soup 1pt
3 x atomic fireball 2 pt

It is 1:00 and my food is done except 2 fire balls – I may experience hunger this afternoon, but I can eat when I get home. You know, this just might work!

DH just called and he has supper in the crock pot so I won’t even have to wait a long time until dinner is ready or have to prepare it to boot, sometimes things just work out.

Keep well – thanks all for the comments. I a bit of a geek but I love it when there are comments. It gives me a thrill when I see them. “They like me, they really like me!”

See ya!

Bean

Wednesday Wrap Up #3

2006-03-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

Another 1/2 pound gone.

Les suggested in her comments that I try the reverse counting – starting my points at suppertime. I think I will try this system this coming week.

So how did I do this week with my goals:
Last week I resolved to:

· to drink all of my water 7 days a week and not just through the week.
Still had some issues with this on the weekend – I am doing great with this at work and I keep 4 bottles of water at my desk and I try to drink them all.
· Not eat after supper – if I need something I will drink hot tea.
Not so much – lets just say it’s a work in progress
· Exercise – go for a walk at least three times this week in the morning or ride the exercise bike
Yeah me – 5 out of 7 days I did some intentional exercise
· Not to visit candy dishes in the office and stick to my three fireballs a day
1 slip
· Journal my food – on paper and on line.
This needs work on the weekends and I am removing the online portion of this goal.
· Start drinking my workday morning coffee with milk to save points for real food
Yeah me – I had a Tim’s with cream on the weekend but all the work coffee was with milk.
· Continue with the bowel buddies
Getting better all the time – it is worth the 4 points a day.

This week I resolve to
· Drink all my water on weekend and weekdays
· Not eat after supper
· Reverse journal – and writing it down in my handy dandy notebook.
· no candy dish visits
· exercise 4 out of 7
· finish reading it was food vs. me… and I won by Nancy Goodman
· when I reach for something to mindless eat – once a day say no!

See ya on the flip side!

Bean

Soul Searching and a word from Les

2006-03-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

Les wrote in her blog...

**Oh, and no more snarky comments about my weight. No more ugly thoughts about myself. I’m going to start thinking of myself as more than just overweight, because how you think of and carry yourself normally determines what others think of you. I’m blessed to have my body, to have my soul, and to be living the life I live. And instead of wishing my life away, wanting and waiting to be thin, I’m going to begin living in the now. Overweight or not, I have a great family and friends, and I have a great life. Today, I’m going to start living it for real.**

This is just what I needed to hear. I am more than my weight and my struggles with it. I am a good mother and a ok wife, (I am the first to admit I need work in this area). I have beautiful hair and a fun personality. I am smart and I deserve better that I give my self credit for.

Today was a bit wonky. I didn’t keep away from the candy dishes today. I have found that it only takes one to set me off and then I am candy crazy. I just need to stay away and remember that candy gets in my mouth and that is just wrong!

I hurt my work friends feelings today a bit. I didn’t mean to and when I apologized I said “I was just kidding.” He said “No you weren’t.”, and he was right. I wish I had the courage to say things like that to people who hurt my feelings and then brush it off with the old just kidding statement. It is funny, I am trying to be a better person, but it seem that the more I try the more mistakes I make. Maybe it is just awareness. So if you are reading this Investor I am sorry. I am trying.

As I head out the door from work tonight I have consumed 24 points. I am having a heck of a time leaving myself enough points for the evening. – no thanks, I am sure, to the candy dishes. Choices Bean – it is all about the choices. I am feeling kind of out of control about my work situation right now. It is not a good feeling, and perhaps once this release has passed, I can regain some focus. I am still trying to come to terms with my unhappiness about work, and the feelings it invokes of being under appreciated and ignored and insufficient. I have no passion for this place or what I do, but I am thankful for the lifestyle it accommodates. I am dirt poor but it could be much, much worse! My risk taking and sticking it to the man can come later when I don’t have three darlings counting on me for food and shelter. Being the breadwinner sucks, but not having this job would suck more. So I continue to eat my way to a happy place until a) I stop caring that this job is sucking the soul out of me or b) I find a new job.

Wow – haven’t said that out loud for a while. Felt good.

"If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

Vincent Van Gogh

Chicken Little... Rooster Big**

2006-03-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

This weekend was so fun, but I will sure be glad when March is over. I got through cake #2 with only one piece consumed. Now that is only because I made it at home and transported to Mummy’s and left it there.
Now just one more cake for DS on the 25th and it is over until July! Have I mentioned that I love cake!

In other news, things are pretty much zipping along. My eating has suffered, as it seems to, when I am absent from the structure of work. I took Friday off to spend with the family, and although I am sure my eating wasn’t totally off kilter (hidden meaning: no binges) it is hard to reflect when I haven’t written it down. I am back on track today and feeling positive.

I am also realizing that if my weight and my financial situation are my two biggest issues then I am one lucky girl. So many people have so many other things they are facing, illness, poverty, homelessness, war…

I may be fat and broke, but I am loved, I have a home, I am never hungry, I have a family and I am not alone. Lucky me.

I am looking forward to Foo Foo’s book club and have reserved the book from the library. Overcoming Overeating by Jane Hirschman and Carol Hunter. I am reading It was food vs. me… and I won by Nancy Goodman. It is an interesting read as well.

I have been really enjoying the walking and trying to be consistent with it. DH is being supportive so that helps. I am finding that after the kids are off to be is the best time to go, but that eats into my time with him, so I hope the support continues. I have been so tired lately that we will sit down to watch something on the tube and in minutes I am dozing. We still have Season 2 of Corner Gas to watch, not to mention 2 more disks of the Twilight Zone.

Do you ever have one of those days when you just can’t get enough to eat, and you are eating and eating and still there is a hunger. Now I know that it is not hunger, I probably have not experienced true hunger in my life… something is eating me. Wonder what it is, too bad I am too lazy (or afraid) to delve deeper!

Here is what I have eaten today at it is only 3.30.

Now for the record I am aware of the severe lack of protein in my diet, and yes of course that could be why I am overeating… however here it is.

Bowel Buddy 4 pt (at home before work)
3 x muffetts with tblsp sugar 4 pt (breakfast at work)
bowel buddy 4 pt (11:30 hungry before lunch)
3 x muffetts with tblsp sugar 4 pt (lunch at work – too full from bowel buddy to eat cannelloni that I brought)
orange 1pt
2 x muffetts (2:30 snack – what is it with the muffetts!!!!!!) 2 pt

3 x atomic fire ball 2pt (throughout day)

21 points total
54 grams of fibre and still the pooper lets me down…
** muffetts are like shredded wheat Ingredients are as follows whole wheat (BHT has been added to the wax paper envelope to maintain freshness) 1 point per round and 5 grams of fibre in 2 rounds. Pour boiling water over them and add raw/brown sugar to them and presto! yummy comfort food without all the fat of mashed potatoes**

I guess I can take some pride in the fact that although I have been eating all day, I have not been eating chips and cookies all day, which would have been the case on one of these days, prior to my renewed commitment to health.

Monday Monday!
Bean

** My Darling Children watched this movie 5 times this weekend and Mini Bean now insists on being called Chicken Little... I not Hofie, I chicken little! I love my funny kids!

Wednesday Wrap Up # 2

2006-03-15T10:06:00.000-08:00

Last week I resolved to:

· Drink all of my water 7 days a week and not just through the week.
I drank water all 7 days at least 6 cups usually more
· Not eat after supper – if I need something I will drink hot tea.
Not so good here – still fighting the snacking monster
· Exercise – go for a walk at least two times this week after the kids go to bed.
I exercised intentionally 4 times this week. For a total of 135 minutes
· Not to visit candy dishes in the office and stick to my three fireballs a day
Still work needed to be done here – 2 visits were made
· Journal my food – on paper and on line.
Good here and it does help.

This week I resolve:

· to drink all of my water 7 days a week and not just through the week.
· Not eat after supper – if I need something I will drink hot tea.
· Exercise – go for a walk at least three times this week in the morning or ride the exercise bike
· Not to visit candy dishes in the office and stick to my three fireballs a day
· Journal my food – on paper and on line.
· Start drinking my workday morning coffee with milk to save points for real food
· Continue with the bowel buddies

So I lost a pound and a half. Not bad considering the Birthday Cake fiasco. Can we say stress eating anyone?

I will post more later if I am inspired.

Bean

How do you view yourself?

2006-03-14T05:32:00.000-08:00

I have been mulling over this all night. Yesterday at work on two different occasions by two different people, I was described differently than I would describe myself.

Scenario One.

Me: I would sure like to try that job
Co-Worker: You would be great at it. You have a lot of charisma.

Scenario Two

Co-worker: I would love to see you with your kids. I bet you are a great mom. Don't you think she would be a neat Mom?

I see myself a a person just trying to muddle through. I am on a search for a purpose and trying to live life and just not go through the motions, but, I have a long way to go to get to that charismatic person and fun mom that others see me as.

I got up and walked today. Yeah for me. I think I need to eat something before I go to maintain stamina. Any suggestions?

This morning as I hugged my husband goodbye I just wanted to sink in to him and stay like that all day, but then my guard came back up with the trust issues and anger and I pulled away. I hope we will make it. I want to love him again.
Its not like he has done anything wrong, he is just being him, but for some reason that is not enough for me. I want more. More from my relationship, more from love and more from him. I want him to step up and be "the man".

Mondays Eats

coffee with cream 1pt
2 x muffetts 2 pt (tried fake brown sugar from Sugar Twin - not great but worth the 2 point savings from the brown sugar I was using)
2 x bowel buddy 4pt
3 x atomic fireballs 2 pt
wrap with tuna 6 pt
cup o soup 1 pt
2 x muffett with real brown sugar 4 pt (not hungry just eating)
cinnamon hearts 3 pt
pork chop 4pt
noodle 1 pt
salad 0 pt
cereal 3 pt
crispy mini 4 pt
chocolate 3 pt

38/30
-2 points in the kitty

Bean (trying to find me)

A great weekend - leading to this lengthy post!

2006-03-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

Lori posted some lyrics on her site and I thought I would post my favourite song at the moment by a Winnipeg band the Weakerthans.

Plea From A Cat Named Virtute

Why don’t you ever want to play?
I’m tired of this piece of string
You sleep as much as I do now and you
Don’t eat much of anything
I don’t know who you’re talking to
I’ve made a search through every room
But all I found was dust that moved
And shadows of the afternoon

And listen
About those bitter songs you sing
They aren’t helping anything
They won’t make you strong

So we should open up the house
Invite the tabby two doors down
You can ask your sister if
She doesn’t bring her basset hound
And as for things you shouldn’t miss
Tape hiss and the modern man
Cold war and card catalogues
To come and join us if they can

For girly drinks and parlour games (?)
We’ll pass around the easy lie
Of absolutely no regrets
Then later maybe you could try
To let your losses dangle off
The sharp edge of the century
We’ll talk about the weather or
How the weather used to be

And I’ll cater
With all the birds that I can kill
Let their tiny feathers fill
Disappointment
Lie down
Lick the sorrow from your skin
Scratch the terror and begin
To believe you’re strong

All you ever want to do is drink and watch TV
Frankly that thing doesn’t really interest me
I swear I’m going to bite you hard
And taste your tinny blood
If you don’t stop the self-defeating lies you’ve been repeating
Since the day you brought me home
I know you’re strong.

Bowel Buddy Update – There is some action in the department. Not yet 100% but I will keep you posted.

Friday Night

2 slices veg pizza 10pt
salad 0 pt
b-day cake 10pt
coffee with cream 1pt

45/30 points
10 points left in the kitty

Saturday

2x bowel buddy 4pt
coffee with cream 1pt
2 eggs 4pt
2 x 1 pt bread 2pt
ham 1pt
cheese slice 1 pt
Cadbury thin 2 pt
Atomic fire ball 3pt
Cereal 2pt
Cake 6 pt
Soup 2pt
Sandwich – turkey 6pt

34/30 points
40 minute walk
6 points left in the kitty

Sunday
2x bowel buddy 4pt
2x coffee with cream 2pt
2 eggs 4pt
2 x 1 pt bread 2pt
cheese slice 1pt
orange 1 pt
wee box of smarties 1 pt
coffee 1pt
scalloped potatoes 6 pt
ham 2pt
beans 0 pt
4 maple cookies 6pt
3 x atomic fire balls 2pt

30/30 points
40 minute walk
6 points left in the kitty

Wow this is getting to be a huge post. I had a surreal experience this morning when a co-worker of mine said hey I created a blog this weekend (http://shortcramerpicks.blogspot.com/) and I FOUND YOURS! I was horrified, he read about my pooping. It is so weird putting yourself out there. There is no lock and key on this diary. And although I feel like I know the people who read my blog (that I know of) I don’t have to sit next to you. Oh well, life is funny that way.
In other news things are on an upward momentum I feel a sense of peace in my life and am feeling quite positive. I saw The History of Violence on the weekend. It was good a bit graphic at times, ok a lot graphic, but a good story, and as you know I am in love with all things Canadian, and our very own David Cronenburg directed this.

I also went to the library this weekend and got the following items:
It was food vs. me-- and I won – Nancy Goodman
Second glance : a novel – Jodi Picoult
Shopaholic ties the knot – Sophie Kinsella
The case for faith : a journalist investigates the toughest objections to Christianity - Lee Strobel
The bodacious book of succulence : daring to live your succulent wild life! - Sark
And I renewed Stitch 'n bitch : the knitter's handbook - Debbie Stoller

My library history is so erratic and my choices are so varied. I could spend hours there just shopping around.. I also found a cute denim skirt at WaIImart that was only 5.00 and I hit the local Value Village and March of Dimes store. I love my kids but I sure love the “me” time I get when they are away. Speaking of kids Mini Bean had a super birthday. Boy Bean has a birthday in 2 weeks and my Mummy Bean has a birthday in one week. All cake all the time…..

I also got in two good walks in this weekend 40 minutes each at a brisk pace. My shins and butt are killing me today, but I love the fact that when I was trudging up the “kick my @ss” hill that I did not get out of breath. (proof positive that quitting smoking and gaining 26 pounds was a good thing, Ok the quitting smoking was the 26 lbs, I am dealing with that now… give me a break people… baby steps!) I actually worked up a sweat both times. It feels good, I am going to try this more often.

Well I have nattered on for long enough. If you have been reading and would like to make yourself known, don’t be shy and leave a comment.

Bean (smoke free for almost 4 months)

The more you understand about why you behave in ways that make you overweight, the more equipped you will be to fix your behaviour – Dr. Phil

Bowel Buddies - and were not taking the sequel to Brokeback Mountian!

2006-03-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

Lori http://crumbsonme.blogspot.com/ asked what a bowel buddy was so as you may well know I can never just answer a question but must give you the TMI version of the Back Story...

I don't poop every day.
I don't poop every other day...
I don't poop every third day...
About the fourth or fifth day after much expulsion of leathal gases, I poop. I may poop again that same day or the next day, but then it is poop drought again.

This gets frustrating, especially when Weigh In is on Wednesday and it is not until Thursday that I usually poop.

I eat lots of fibre and drink lots of water but because of my distate for pooping at work and I think I have trained my body to never poop.

I want to poop. I want to poop every day, so I am trying a new product (to me) that someone told me about called Bowel Buddies - I found mine in the Pharmacy section of the grocery store, but they are online at www.abundancehealth.com I paid 12.45 for a two week supply. This is a Canadian Product so of course it is the best... just kidding, ok not really, but lets not go there now! They don't even taste so bad - kind of like a all bran bar.

Here is the nutritional Info on a Bowel Buddy
They come packaged 2 to a pack and there is 14 paks in a package.

For two cookies

Cal 212.06
Protein 1.54 g
Carbohydrate 30.38 g
Dietary Fibre 22.64 g Wooozzzzzaaaaa - Daily requirement in 2 bland cookies
Fat 9.42 g

4 points per package

I will let you know how it works out.

Here is my food so far for today - 6 points left and a birthday party to contend with. I think I will be dipping into the allowance.

2 bowel buddies 4 pt
2 muffetts with brown sugar 4 pt
coffee with cream 1pt

3 x atomic fire balls 2 pt

wrap with roast beef and pastrami an veg 6pt
cup o’ soup 1 pt

5 gummy bears/cinnamon hearts 1pt

orange 1pt

2 muffetts with brown sugar 4 pt

Have a great weekend.

(Never) Bean (so happy that it is quitting time!)

My baby is three

2006-03-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday to You!
Happy Birthday Mini Bean...
Happy Birthday to You!

It is hard to believe my sweet baby is 3 today. Here she is pictured practicing for her big day at Grandpa's Birthday in late February.

So I have decided to post my food back here again (see previous post) So here is what Thursday looked like..

2 bowel buddies 4 points
1 pear 1 pt
2 x coffee with cream 2 pt

6 x atomic fire ball 4 pt

wrap with roast beef and pastrami an veg 6pt
wee box of smarties 1pt

chocolate 4pt

lasagne 8 pt
salad 2 pt
garlic bread with tblsp cheese 5pt

37 points consumed
6 water
25 points left in the kitty!

I am hoping to have a better weekend however there will be pizza, cake and ice-cream tonight. It is all about restraint and proper choices. Ultimately I choose and the question I have to ask is “Do I want this? Do I choose health or do I choose what I am comfortable with?” Life is to short to just go through the motions. I want to live. I have a lot of soul searching to do about where I am and where I am going.
I am looking forward to this journey.

Have a great weekend. I may write more if I am inspired, but if you are looking for some inspiration head on over to SnackiePoos. That girl is right on and today's post is something to sink you teeth into. I think we all need to think about where we have been and how far we have come and no one I know seems to get it better than this girl!

Bean (staring myself in the face and trying to love what I see)

If you are thinking rational positive thoughts, your body and brain are energized and primed for success.

Wednesday Wrapup

2006-03-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

I am staring this entry early today, before my weigh in because I saw something shocking on the scale today at home (why I do this to myself I will never know). A gain was revealed and a big one at that. All my progress from last week erased. Now it will be hard to say how this translates on the WW at Work scale that our fearless leader brings but I suspect it will be close.

I was pissy about it. I ate a cookie, and then I had some revelations.

1. It is not redundant to post my food on line. It is helpful – but only if I am being honest with myself and others.
2. I ate like crap this weekend. If I gained weight I deserved it.
3. I haven’t counted points since Friday – I must journal
4. I eat to medicate my broken spirit. I need help.
5. I need to stop eating after supper. My witching hour.
6. If I start the binge, I cant stop.
7. I cannot have cookies in my house, or at least in the kitchen.
8. I am dangerously close to being bulimic and I can no longer blame my Weight Loss surgery on this.
9. I am angry that I had weight loss surgery and I still have to diet. HOWEVER I need to let go of this anger and get on with health.
10. My kids need me and I need to be healthy to give them what they need.

So there it is the ugly truth. I face the scale in 10 minutes and I will post after the meeting.

I’m back…. Well it is not as bad as I had figured with a gain of 2.5. Not great but not as disastrous as was expected.

This week I resolve:

· to drink all of my water 7 days a week and not just through the week.
· Not eat after supper – if I need something I will drink hot tea.
· Exercise – go for a walk at least two times this week after the kids go to bed.
· Not to visit candy dishes in the office and stick to my three fireballs a day
· Journal my food – on paper and on line.

I will report on my progress through the week and do a Wrap Up on what will now be referred to as Wrap Up Wednesdays!

Bean (tired of the yoyo scales)

No one ever climbed a hill just by looking at it.

The princess and the PEE!

2006-03-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

So to lose weight and be healthy you need to drink 6 –8 glasses of water a day, so I drink 6- 8 glasses of water a day. Good for me. Not so much… Bad for me, bad for the fact that while in the grocery store last night, while picking up a few things, I had to pee. TWICE. The kind of pee where it is suddenly – MUST PEE RIGHT NOW – or there will be a puddle. No big deal you say – there are public washrooms to facilitate this kind of thing right? You obviously have not had to pee at my local grocery store – sketchy at best, I have seen the clientele who shop there, I am afraid, I am very afraid. You obviously have not tried to do the sprint with 2 chillins in tow and a cart of groceries. Groceries you can’t take in to the bathroom, so you have to ask the five year old to watch the two year old while you dash to pee, and then fling open the door while you are washing and adjusting to ensure that no one takes off with your kids or worse reports you to CAS for leaving them unattended. Still I will drink and drink some more!

In other news come with me to the confessional:

1. I ate cookies last night. Not even good cookies – what was I thinking? I wasn’t. I was just eating and I couldn’t stop. I must find away to keep these treats in the house (for wee boys school lunch) and not eat them. I need to realize that cookies are not going to give me the love I need. Hell they didn’t even taste that good. Crappy Mr. Chr1st@ you make crappy cookies! They get in my mouth!

2. I love Atomic Fireballs, made by the Ferra pan company. I love them so much that I have to ration myself to three a day. When asked for what I want on gift occasions, it is always Ferra Pan Atomic Fire Balls. I may be addicted. 3 candies 2 points. I will give up wholesome nutritious foods for these candies, and in fact this weekend when I went to see my friend, part of the motivation to drive 4 hours there and back for one evening was the fact that there is a candy store on highway 11 that not only stocks them but is the cheapest place to buy them at 10 cents a piece. I dream of vacations not to warm destinations but to Chicago to visit the Ferra pan factory. I have a sickness. Fireballs are the monkey on my back!

3. I am trying to be nicer at work and not rant and rave and complain. This is hard and I am failing miserably. I wonder if this is like an addiction, admitting you have a problem is half the battle?

Well that’s all for now. I am still writing my food in the paper journal. So writing it here is redundant. Mind you I did have a lovely 8 point lunch – Wrap with roast beef and pastrami with baby green tomatoes and honey mustard and ½ a cup of grapes. Yummy. The thing about healthy eating is that it usually tastes better than the crap I eat when not watching. Maybe it is the mindfulness of it all.

Weigh in tomorrow.

Bean (a long time since I rocked and rolled)

“You don’t have to stay mindlessly tied to staked of wrong thinking and self-destructive behaviour." – Dr. Phil

I have comments on the commenters

2006-03-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

Yahoo... I have comments (see right there below some of my posts!). I am so excited. If you build it they will come. I just wanted to officialy welcome snackiepoo and lori as well as Dinah34. Welcome, put your feet up and stay a while. Love having you here. It is a double edged sword though, I can write whatever I want when I am under the illusion that no one reads this but me, I don't want to start writing to ensure that I am witty and amusing to my readers - (heeheehee, I have readers) but to keep it real. What I would really like to discover through this outlet, is why and I an overeater and why I medicate with food. Hopefully through self discovery, posting in this journal and following the journeys of others I will figure this out. I get so much inspiration from others on this journey, snackiepoo, AFW, Anne, Purl, Denise, Dinah34, PinkBunny FooFoo and others.. (I have book marked you Lori and will visit soon!)

Thanks for reading and come back soon.

Bean (in big trouble for posting twice in one day!)

haystacks and other ramblings

2006-03-06T05:53:00.000-08:00

dinah34 asked what a hay stack was so here it is. 1 point cookies to love and embrace. "Bet you can't eat just one." (which is why I rarely make them...)

Haystaks

1 sleeve fibre one cereal - not the flake kind.
3/4 cup chocolate chips
3/4 cup butterscotch chips
1/4 cup light peanut butter

In one bowl, melt chips and peanut butter in microwave.
Add Fiber One cereal and stir together.

Drop by spoonfuls on a cookie sheet.
Refrigerate until hard.

Makes 30 cookies - 1 point per cookie.

In other news.

I was away this weekend and my eating was less than stellar.
I am not even going to attempt to write down what I ate, but I am back on track this morning.

I was driving home from Orillia yesterday and I felt compelled to go to church. I had a few revelations that I am not going to go into here but may examine in the future.

I just found out this morning that someone I used to work with has been diagnosed with a very bad cancer. I hate cancer.

Thats all folks.
I'll be back soon.

Bean (trying to get the piece of stardust out of my eye since I watched the Oscars)

Not much to say, but I must track my food.

2006-03-02T13:51:00.000-08:00

it is too easy to miss one day then the next and then the next and the next thing you know, you are not counting points and yet still cursing the scale!

Wednesday

Snack
haystack 1pt
pear 1pt

Supper

1.5 cup soup 3 pts
2 slices 1 pt bread 1 pt
2 cookies 3 pts

Snack
cookies 2 pts
popcorn 3 pts

33 pts total / end of week

Thursday Food

Breakfast

the usual 8pt

Snack

apple 1 pt

Lunch

soup 3 pt
2 slice 1 point bread 2 pt

Snack

candy 4 point

12 remaining for day 35 flex in the bank.

7 down - many to go...

2006-03-01T09:33:00.000-08:00

Yeah me!

I was down seven lbs today. I know it was mostly water and my body going into shock from not having the bazzilion calories a day I was feeding it it, but yeah me. I'll take it.

Tuesday Supper

meat pie - 6 pt
potaotes - 2 pt
gravy 1 pt
beans 0 pt

Tuesday night grazing - must stop!

Popcorn 3 pt
cadbury thin bar - 2 pt
cookie 1 pt

Wednesday

Breakfast - still guessing?

2/3 cup oatmeal 4pt
2 tblsp brown sugar 2 pt
2 x coffee with cream 2 pt

Snack

veg 0 pt
13 cinnamon hearts 1 pt

Lunch

Wrap - 4 pt
chicken - 3 pt
veg/mustard - 0pt
cup o' soup - 1 pt

Candy makes me gassy...

2006-02-28T13:26:00.000-08:00

my blog, my rules, too much information, oh well. I think I just put two and two together and it is true, sugar makes me gassy (of course it could have been the cauliflower but am I not better off believing its candy) As you can tell I had a momentary lapse this afternoon, The call of the wild candy dish, so soft so sweet, The next thing you know I have eaten six starbursts and 10 gumdrops. man oh man. Now I am going to count that as 4 points and hope it is accurate. On the smaller victory side, I did not eat peanut M&M's.

Weigh in tomorrow and you know I know I am maintaining within my points and I know that even if I don't show a loss tomorrow that I am doing the right things. I used to get so upset if the scale moved or didn't move, but I need to just have faith that the program will work if I follow it. And I have followed it, so therefore it will work. If I don’t see a loss this week then next week I will.

Zen master Bean reporting in before weigh in... It could all change after the weigh in trust me. Stable I am not.

I have been working like a mad woman, and the reality of not meeting my deadline is looming. Little stress with a side of holy shit batman - I never miss a deadline.

Of course taking time out of my day to blog could be considered part of the problem but hey I look at this as my break, seeing that since I quit smoking I never break and I never leave the building.

Today I am thankful for my job. (repeat 1000 times until you are not just saying it but believing it!)

Food:

Monday Supper

Pork Chop 4pt
cauliflower 0 pt
cheese 1 pt
potato 2 pt
gravy 1 point (as prepared 20 cal for 2 tablespoon - loving it)
mushrooms 0 pt

Snack

3 cups light popcorn 1 pt
chocolate chips 3pt

32 points 2 flex used 6 remain

Tuesday Breakfast - can you guess? come on.... bet you can't figure it out!

2/3 cup oatmeal 4pt
2 tblsp brown sugar 2pt
coffee with cream 2 pt

Snack

orange 1pt

Lunch

Cauliflower 0 pt
1 cup 2% milk 3 pt
cheese 1 pt

Snack - bad bad snack and a prime example of once you start it is hella hard to stop

13 cinnamon hearts 1 pt
coffee with cream 1pt
10 jube jubes 2 pt
6 starburst candy 2pt

Well tune in tomorrow after lunch for the big weigh in announcement.

Bean (pushed around)

The next time I reach for the flour...

2006-02-27T12:20:00.000-08:00

Somebody please chop off my hands. What is it about Chocolate Chip cookies that a girl can't resist.

We got semi snowed in on Saturday, so once the snow had stopped I figured that i would take the munckins and we would walk (aka me pulling them on the sled) to the store and get some snacks for them. We got about a quarter of the way there and decided that perhaps we should just go home and play in the yard. It was cold, it was blustery and there was 12 cm of fresh fallen snow that was impossible to pull a sled through. Maybe not impossible but man I would have never made it. (Please keep in mind that DS weighs about 80 pounds of solid boy!) So back we went, and I shovelled the driveway instead.

However...

This did not solve the problem of three members of the family unit DS,DD and DH foraging for sweets and coming up empty handed, so I cracked out the flour, Criso and chips and made some of my chocolate chip cookies. Now if anyone here has made the Ultimate Chocolate Chip recipe off the Golden Criso box, you know the sugar smack I am talking about... pure bliss. I thought I could resist. As I was going to bed that night.. though the last few mouthfuls of my final cookie for the day, I said to DH., "How many cookies do you think I ate today?" to which he replied.. "Well you just ate three!" Whoops!

So here is the food log for the weekend for my own prosperity...

Friday Pre supper snack

1 cup froot loops 2 pt
2 cookies 2pt

Supper

3 oz chicken 3 pt
bread 1/2 multigrain 3 pts (per nutritional label)
beans 0 point
butter 1 point

Snack

popcorn 1 pt
cookies 2pt
fruitsnacks 2pt

5 flex used

Saturday

Breakfast

coffee with cream x 2 2pt
egg 2pt
english muffin 2 pt
canadian bacon 3pt
butter 1pt

Snack

Orange 1pt
pear 1pt

Lunch

2 slices wonder bread 4pt
2 cheese slices 2 pt

Snack

toast with Peanut Butter 4pt

Supper
Soup 2pt
pita 4 pt

snack
6 chocolate chip cookies 12 pt
apple 1 pt
popcorn 1 pt

total 42 pts - 12 flex used
18 flex remain

Sunday

2/3 cup oatmeal 4 pt
raisins 1pt
brown sugar 2 pt
2x coffee with cream 2pt

2 cc cookies 4pt

grilled cheese 6 pt
3 slices canadian bacon 3pt
ff baked 19 2 pt

popcorn 4pt
tortilla 4pt
cheese 2 pt
chicken 3 pt
sour cream 1 pt
salsa/onion/mushroom 0 pt

38 points used 8 flex used
10 flex remain

Monday

2/3 cup oatmeal 4pt
2 tblsp brown sugar 2 pt
2 coffee with cream 2pt

13 cinnamon hearts 1pt
grapes 2pt

campbell's veg soup 3pt
pita 4pt

haystack 1 pt
pear 1pt

I love the structure of work. I find I go a bit ballistic on the weekends. So now it is off to produce town to restock on the fruit and veg for the week. The kids could not get enough apples in them this weekend. So I am rolling with that and will make sure there are lots of apples and pears and oranges and grapes... Fruit - natures candy... plus I am craving cauliflower. weird I know!

Did you know that someone could call you "Fatty" at work and it does not fall under the 15 areas of discrimination in the Workplace Harassment and Discrimination Policy. Weird and typical.

Just wanted to also state for the record that I love weekends at home with the kids. I appreciate the weekends when they are away at their Grandparents, but man we have a good time when they are home.

Also just a tip Doogle... not the best movie choice!

Talk at ya tomorrow!

Bean (around the block a time or two!)

Oh How I love Fridays....

2006-02-24T10:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it through. One whole day on program.. 21 days to a habit... 20 more to go! Yeah for me. I actually feel like I might really want to do this this time. I still need to find a way to incorporate exercise in. It is funny the self talk you do. I was late to bed last night and I was self talking about exercise, and I first said (inside voice of course, people think you are crazy when you talk out loud to yourself!) So I said...

"Self! Set the alarm 1/2 an hour earlier and go outside for a walk."

Then excuses came

"cold, dark, late, tired.."

So then I said

"Self , just get up when the alarm goes off instead of hitting snooze 5 times and get on the exercise bike..."

Then self said back...

"As if! You know you are going to sleep till 6:45 like you always do...."

And I did....

I need to train self better... At least when Self is busy talking me out of excercising he has put to rest his usual litany about "fat, ugly, lazy, bad mother, bad wife" Damn Self to hell. I need to break free!

So it was funny last night, I came home with my 12 points and here is what was cooking Fish sticks, chicken wings, french fries and perogies sauted in butter....
Not the weight watchers dream but I coped..

Here is what was consumed

4 chicken wings 5 pts (nutritional info off bag)
1 fish stick 2 pts
2 perogies 3 pts
raw veggies 0 pts

Later that same night

2 cups popcorn 1 pt

For a grand total of 11 points = 29 for the day. Right on track.

Food Consumed today 24/02/06

Breakfast
coffee with cream 1pt
2/3 cup oatmeal 4 pt
2 tblsp brown sugar 2 pt

Snack
coffee with cream 1pt
apple 1pt

Lunch
1 can Primo Roasted Chicken and Noodle Soup 5pt
1 musli pita 4 pt

18 points consumed 12 left for tonight, however I asked DH to pull out the boneless skinless chicken breasts for supper and I am cooking tonight, so I should be right on track.

Well, chances are I will not be back until Monday... happy weekend all!

Bean (dip is yummy!)

One partially down the rest of my life to go...

2006-02-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

Well here it is 4:30 pm and I have made it thus far. I have not participated in the chip festival in the office. I did not do my rounds visiting every candy jar in the office, I did not deviate from plan, and I actually made a concious decision not to eat the 1.5 oz of cheese that consituted 5 points when I looked it up. Do you have any idea how little cheese 1.5 oz is! No way...

Here is what I have eaten today. I will have to post dinner from the night before and then my work food, bercause with two little ones, I don't have much time in the evening for computer fun, and when I get time Spider Solitare calls my name!

Breakfast

Coffee with 1.5 tablespoons cream 1 pt
2/3 cup oatmeal 4 pt
2 tablespoons brown sugar 2pt

Lunch

Can Primo Country Harvest Veg Soup 3 pt
1 cup grapes 2pt
1 musli pita 4pt
raw veggies 0 points

Snack

apple 1 pt
coffee with cream 1 pt

18 points used 12 remaining

Looking this over it is apparent that I need more protien in my diet. I will boil up some eggs tonight.

So I just called for an update on the Chi1d P@rn@grapher in my office and yet again it has been held over for another month. It has been almost a year since he was arrested. That is a year that I have had to come to my place of employment and look at his smug face and his cocky attitude. Disgusting Pig.
Will justice ever be served. Why is it that looking at naked pictures of babies is a lesser crime that animal abuse, or hundreds of other crimes that are bad, but get resolved, and yet this pig gets to come to work and surf the internet and take home a large salary. Oh yeah not to mention that the company line is... "If you have a problem with this... it's your problem...."

Wow rant a rama.... I'm done.

Well it is almost time to pack it in for the day.

Ciao! Bean (there done that)

The Ugly Truth...

2006-02-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

Well I got weighed in and as you can see by my fabulous new ticker, it was not a pretty sight. The last time I got weight at Weight Watchers I was 239.5 (November 23rd of last year). I am not going to beat myself up over these pounds because I did quit smoking and I a now ready to leave that excuse behind and move on.

At the meeting today we talked about recreational eating and how we need to find new hobbies. I like to knit, but it does not consume me and I get frustrated and drop the knitting and snack. I need something that consumes me, maybe a better knitting pattern. I am supposed to be working on a sweater for DH but I need to find a good pattern and just get going maybe as I make progress I will get consumed. I also requested a copy of the Learn-To-Knit Afghan book from the library. This might be the ticket!

So wish me luck. The journey officially starts tomorrow. I am pumped. I would like to reach my 10% during these 10 weeks. I will strive for this!

Licking my wounds and waving ggod bye to my new found pounds!

Bean

New Beginnings

2006-02-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

Well here we go.... I feel like Daniel Cook with all the red haired enthusiasm in the world. Weight Watchers at Work starts tomorrow. I am not sure how I feel about this. I really want to lose the 20 lbs that I have put on since doing away with the evil weed.

Why?

1. My pants don't fit anymore.
2. I don’t like the scale climbing in the wrong direction.
3. I have come to far to go back now
4. I don't want to be fat anymore.
5. I need some discipline in my life.

So counting points and having success. I can do this. My mini goal for this 10 week session is 15 lbs. I can do it. I will do it.

I have recruited my work friend to police me. I am thinking of creating a sign around my neck that says - Don't feed the Bean!

What is a girl to do? Well I can count points, get some exercise and just lose the weight. I am addicted to sugar. To assist my efforts this time I will be limiting the amount of sugar eaten. I will not eat between meals (unless necessary - I sometimes get shaky at 11:30) or after dinner. Just hot tea. I will get up 1/2 hour earlier and exercise. Either the ball or the bike or when it gets warmer I will walk.

Oh yes the water. I will attempt to drink 2 litres of water a day!

I sure am good at saying the right things. When will I ever resolve with myself to not only say but do. I guess if I have to hang on with white knuckle determination I will get through the first while and then maybe, just maybe, I will get into a routine and will get my act together. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit.

I quit smoking. I can diet. I want this. I want at least once to feel what it feels like to be under 200 lbs, and then I want to feel what it is like to be a normal weight. I know I will never be normal, I have done too much damage to my body for that to ever happen. I am all saggy and stretchy and scarred from my weight loss surgery.

Why couldn't my WLS surgery have worked like it was supposed to. Why did I never achieve an ideal weight. Why did I risk my life to still be morbidly obese? And still it is up to me. Where is the weakness in me that allows me to remain in a perpetual state of unhappiness. I guess the question is ....
What am I gaining by remaining overweight, because I must be getting some kind of psychological reward, because who would choose to remain this way, without a reward.

Well very moody and bleak... sorry, Hopefully as I lose and am overjoyed by the losses I will experience, the tone will change and by this time next year.... I will be under 200 lbs, and feeling fine. Oh 199 you are so close (about 60 pounds away) and yet you allude me. I will get you I will do this and as Gloria Gainer would say I will survive!

If it is meant to be it is up to me!

With sporadic updates to follow!

Bean

I can’t shake this rain cloud…

2006-01-20T12:10:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like one of those cartoon character with a little rain cloud directly over your head? Well that is me. I know I have complained about my work here numerous times, but come on folks this is bordering on ridiculous. My supervisor is a complete failure at his job. We have been back to work for 14 days in January, and he has been here for six. What is up with that? He tries to import members for other departments to do our work instead of asking if anyone has some cycles… Note the Bean blogging at work… Hello!

This work place is so poisoned. I would just like to get through one day without losing my mind or breaking down into tears. I know the logical thing to do would be to seek other employment. Unfortunately I work at the best gig in town. SO unless I consider moving back to the big city, I am stuck. I just wish DH would get his act together and start making real money so that I could waitress or do something else. Not that I would but it would be sure nice to have the option. I know in a earlier post I refer to thanking the upper deities every day for my job and this is still true, thanking them for providing the largish pay check and the fact that I don’t need to suffer physically to get it. I wish I had it in me to just smile and wave and take it all in stride but I wear my heart on my sleeve and it is easily wounded there. If I didn’t suffer from so much insecurity and loneliness I could probably do it. I take everything as a reflection on how people perceive me (incompetent, unable, stupid) as opposed to the problem (gross mismanagement and incapable or unwilling supervisor). I wish I could just get it together. As Hill suggests in her Blog http://snackiepoo.typepad.com/ maybe it is time to seek some professional help. We have EAP at work and maybe I will take advantage of it. They only give you 6 sessions a year though and I seriously question how much can be achieved. But I must do something or a Section 8 is calling my name.

Another thing to consider is maybe I just need something else to focus on and if I could get excited about the South Beach Diet and get off my butt and start then perhaps I wouldn’t be so focused on the negativity at work but instead focused on self improvement I am having a hell of a time getting across that mental block/bridge. I read the book before bed and yet start the day off eating shite. What’s up with that? I will get it together if I could stop making grocery excuses. Lets see what Monday brings. Maybe I will just commit to journaling my food to start with. I think I will do that here. Monday to Friday at least.

Well how’s that for a nice light positive post. Suck it up sistas… If I feel like poopoo I need a place to vent and here is as good as spewing it all over DH or Sympathetic Co-workers.

Crying Wilson Pickett tears.

Bean

Well that didn’t go exactly according to plan…

2006-01-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

So imagine it is a dark night, you are on a country road, you are passing a graveyard and your car dies. Sound like a scary set up for a movie? Nope, just my life. Yes last night we were the cliché of clichés and this truly happened. Thank God I had that little talk with DH earlier this week about being ‘the man’ and treating me like a ‘girl’. So off he slogged in the dark to find a phone to call the FIL whose house we just left! (Thankfully FIL is a mechanic, and we were there earlier dropping off our other vehicle for repair. So now we have his vehicle and he has two very sick Bean mobiles.

Just when you think you might be getting caught up financially Bamb-o … if it’s not one thing it’s another! LOL!

I won’t ever be able to divorce DH because of the FIL benefits. He can fix the cars and I can pay as I go. Life is grand!

Well I am embarrassed to admit that the 1st week in the pound-a-week challenge was a terrible disappointment. I suppose if I had tried I may have been more successful. But I am officially 258.5 today. Better next week, I am tired of heading in the wrong direction. I was giving myself a pep talk today along the lines of just do it. You did it before do it again. Get on points, start tracking, etc. So now I just need to listen.

Well that is all!

Bean

Cranky Tuesday and suprisingly its not me....

2006-01-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

Everyone I work with is cranky. Now before I continue, I must confess I work in an extremely poisoned work environment with some people who would be better off elsewhere. Ok anywhere but around me would be fine. Needless to say everyone is cranky, I am trying to not let it wear off on me, but tough to do. We have a staff meeting tomorrow and I was about to send the following list of agenda items when my co-worker (the ever present voice of reason) said you can't send that dumb ass, so I thought I would share here instead.

1. Rampant and spiralling unhappiness of the group
2. Division amongst the group
3. Certain individuals taking all the glory and credit and leaving the grunt work
to others. If certain individuals want to be Business Analysts they should be
BA's and not members of the User Test TEAM.
4. Writing a proposal for Flex Time
5. irrelevant garbage only someone who works with me would understand
6. Support from D- lacking
7. How does work get assigned? Why do some members have too much work and others
just walk around looking important and saying repeatedly that they are so busy
while actually accomplishing nothing!

So yes I understand why I couldn't send it but come on will things ever change? Now don't get me wrong every day I wake up and thank my lucky starts for this job. It keeps my family and I clothed, sheltered and fed and for this I thank the Lord. But it I have to hear that loud in taking off breath that indicates that the Queen Bee is in my vicinity many more times today, I may (probably not, but nice to dream) go and slap her hard.

Things at home will get better I am sure. I am communicating better with Dh trying to get him to understand my need to be cherished and taken care of even though I am the bread winner and strength in the house. I still need to be appreciated and have nice things done for me. I am tired of the constant responsibility of not only the financial well being of my family but the emotional needs and nurturing of them as well.

As for my pound a week. I am having a hard time getting started and formulating the plan. As far as I can tell it will be some kind of South Beach/GI Index thing. Good carbs etc...

More to come in the continuing and oh so boring life of me...

Bean

Well I did it and it wasn't pretty

2006-01-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

I hatched this plan in my head to weigh myself on the 1st Friday of the New Year and that would be the start weight for my "Pound a Week" challenge. Well let's just say it was not the most pleasant experience I could have had. I was a whopping 257 this morning. Nickid! I could have accepted such weight if I was fully clothed, with a parka and winter boots on, but Nickid.... My oh my.

Now I realize that quitting smoking is important and important to my health, but come on. 10 pounds I could accept but 17. Enough is enough. I will formulate the official plan over the weekend and post it here when complete. But I think I am ready to shift the focus and return to healthy eating and weight loss. No pressure. One pound a week. Very doable. That would put me at 206 for the New Year and I could live with that! Do it again in 2007 and Viola! 155 a perfect weight!

On a more positive note I have been smoke free since November 15 2005. I rock!

I may post more later but I wanted to post the weight and the end of the day is sometimes crazy so consider it posted 257 Sheeezeeeeeeee.....

Ah the sweet anticipation of the first post of a New Year.....

2006-01-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

Yeah, I late to the punch again but hey, I should know me by now!

So what is up for the New Year? Firstly I would like to lose a pound a week through 2006. That would add up to a whopping 52 lbs but not put any pressure on me. A pound a week means I have to reduce caloric intake by 500 calories a day or increase activity to burn 500 calories a day or mix it up! Now I know no matter how much they say that it is calories in vs. calories out, that this is not so true, for me anyway, so my plan will need to include a drastic reduction in the amount of sugar and refined white flour that I consume, for the basic triggering effect alone. When I develop my program I will post it here. For this final week... Until Friday, I am enjoying the last few treats and enjoyment that I want, before it is back on track!

I am also happy to report that I made it through new year without a cigarette and I have started 2006 as a non smoker and will stay that way.

DH has quit smoking as well as of January 2nd, and if I was that much of a whiney cranky baby ass, I don't recall. But I am supporting him and biting my tongue.

Still knitting with a vengeance. I really enjoy it. I got a book at the library yesterday on crochet (cute things for kids) and I think I might take it up as well.

Well it is time to wrap things up for day. I have got to start this update earlier. Damn the working, it so gets in the way of my personal enjoyment.

See you on the flip side.

Bean

The grind (and I don't mean some groovy coffee joint)

2005-12-28T12:47:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

I guess I am among the few that have returned to work today. Let me tell you traffic and parking were not an issue today. After bickering with my hubby all day yesterday (we were both home) I am actually glad to be back at work and I got some actual work done. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you have little distraction. I have also found that since I quit smoking my productivity has gone up as well, as I am not slipping out every so often for a smoke.

So how was everyone's Christmas? Mine was groovy. a nice time was had by all. The kids had a blast and enjoyed themselves a lot. I had to bring them home from Grandma's though because they needed a few days to unwind before heading back for much fun and festivities. My sister arrives from Red Deer today so they will probably go back out to Grandma's tomorrow to enjoy some auntie love.

I got a new sweater (pink) that I am wearing today that is quite lovely and I also got a gift certificate to Penningtons that I used last night for 50.00 I got a new sweater (blue) pants (grey with blue pin striped) and a shirt (black) that makes me look like the se@iest woman alive. Well in my eyes anyway. I just need to get a hot pink shell to wear underneath and my New Years outfit is all complete.

Lets talk about New Years for a bit. I hate it. I always have. I hate going out I hate the whole thing crowds, drunkenness, everyone dressed in skimpy sequins. Hate it always have always will. Well this year I guess I am going out with my sisters. The four of us. There is a ten year difference from the oldest (me) to the youngest (the twins) and I love them dearly but our idea of fun varies (mine pj's , snacks and girly movies) theirs (slamming back drinks and dancing like mad women) not to mention that we will be at the bar where DH is playing so I won't even have him to kiss at midnight or fetch me drinks. And to top it all off, I get to baby-sit DH friend. you know the one .. drinks himself to oblivion and then hangs off you all night wanting to dance and telling you how you are like a big sister. Yuck.. Same guy that said and I quote. I would rather f@ck them ugly than fat. Bastard.

Well gotta go. Quitting time. Wilmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Bean

One more sleep

2005-12-22T12:49:00.000-08:00

and work is over. Now mind you I don't have the luxury of taking two weeks like some of my co-workers but it will be nice just to have 4 days off. And the Cape Crusader (evil co-worker) is taking two weeks off so it is like a vacation for me.

I have some holiday days left but thought I would carry them over for the summer when much fun can ensue!

I called my best girl fiend last night because I was feeling lonely and I was complaining about thinking you were important to people and then it turning out that you are not... she was totally ignoring me and dealing with her son while I was going on about this. I thought it was funny, and a bit sad.

It was nice to talk to her. Her husband has lost his job again and so will be working in Mississagua so maybe she will be moving there. She is having issues at her job as well so maybe...

Well gotta go, if I dont post before, have a very merry holiday.

Paeace and love.

Bean

Cranky Pants fit better than most...

2005-12-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

Well today has been the ultimate day for cranky. Don't cross Bean or feel her firey rage. And the odd thing is it is rage. Pure and simple. Why I am not so sure but everyone is pissing me off. Ok not everyone but about 80% of the people I come in contact with.

Do you ever have that person at work who you think you are work buddies with and the they make it apparently clear that they could not care wether you live or die. I have one of those in my life. There were the three of us. Young fellow, pretty girl same age as me and myself. We hang out and I though we were all friends but not so much. It seems as if I am intruding on thier friendship and my ship has just sailed. I think I am jealous, but not sure why. I think I need a friend.

We also have this other person at work who is driving me nuts. I am sure you all have one at your work place as well. You know the one who is far to busy and important and special to even try to have a shred of human decency. I could write a novel about this one but I have already spent far too much time today hating her and envisioning a hot poker slicing through her to waste more time or efforts.

And oh yeah have I mentioned that although I work at a place funded by tax payers dollars, I am forced to work with someone who has been charged with ch1ld p@rn. I am also expected to be civil to this person, and my 'team' was all shattered when some of us decided that NO we didn't want to attend a Christmas party that the k1ddy p@rn king was also attending. FUCK! how screwed up can you get. Today I dislike my job.

But on the other side of the coin I get to go home to my loving family with two precious angels so excited about Christmas that they are vibrating. We have been spending some good family time this week with snow ball fights and snuggling on the couch to watch the Christams favorites.

My family should all be home soon. Sister from Halifax home today! Brother in Toronto home on Thursday and Sister in Red Deer hoem on the 28th. It should be a blast to be all together. My parents are so very happy to have everyone home and the grand kids (the vibrating ones mentioned above) are of the age where Christmas is jsut magical. This will be Hofie's first Christmas where she really gets it. Everything she sees advertised on television is followed by an "i want that for Kissmas" is that adorable voice of her's.

Knitting is coming along well. I have askjed for the knitting for dunmmies set for Christmas so I can progress from straight knit stitch to perhaps a purl or two, and maybe I can learn to make something besides scarves. But with all the fabulous wool out there why would you want to . Guess what everyone is getting for Christmas....

Well the bored bean is signing out. Not enough time to be bored this holiday season, but I like that better.

Also, I am in the market for a friend, Please apply at theboredbean@hotmail.com.

Over and out!

Bean

Wow another post

2005-12-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

I hate those days when you are this close to bursting in to tears. All teary, all the time. The littlest things can set you off. Why is I feel so inadequate and lonely. I am married with two kids, but I have no friends. No true real friends that I can hang with and laugh with and bitch to. I have friends like this but they live too far away. People at work are friendly but they all have their best friends and I feel like I sitting on the outside of the circle. I just feel shitty today.

A lot of this probably has to do with the fact that in the 4 weeks since I have quit smoking I have put on 10, yes count them 10, pounds. WTF! I also just am feeling like I do and say the wrong things all the time. I need to suck it up and put on my happy face before I go home.

The stupid thing of it all is the corresponding lack of coping that goes along with this cycle, can't cope with what to cook for dinner, can't cope with finances, can cope with shopping... Christmas cards... people... you get the idea. Why can't I just hibernate?

Oh vey! enough bitching and moping. Enough woe is me. I need to just put my big girl panties on and get over it.

I have been struggling with how to make myself a priority in my life, so I can accomplish some off the things I need to accomplish. I am sure I will figure it out. Where in my busy life do I find time for me and the things I think I want to do like exercise. I say think because I am kind of torn right now as to if my Weight Loss is a goal, a priority, or something I just have been thinking about so long that it is ingrained in me. I never want to see 340 again, but do I care if I ever get below 250. I am not sure. What is my motivation. This sounds shitty but I don't care enough about myself to make health a priority. I do care about my kids, but really how is it affecting them. I am a healthy 250 and with the recent addition of quitting smoking I am already doing something for them. My husband loves me fat or thin, so why.... that is the question I am going to be trying to figure out.

Well that is all for tonight. Staying at work until 5:00 really sucks when everyone else leaves at 4:00 but hey it sure gives you time to do things like post to your blog and knit. Yeah me. Slacker extraordinaire.

See on the flip side.

Bean

It has been a long time since August....

2005-12-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

It is not that I haven't realized that I have not updated, it is just that whenever I do something foolish like commit to posting more often, like a spoiled brat I stamp my feet and say You can't make me.... Well maybe that is not the true reasons, whatever the reason I am back. I do hope to post more, but I am a waffler.

So what is new. I quit smoking 4 weeks ago and have not had a cigarette since November 14th. Yeah for me. This is of course playing havoc on the weight loss front but the hell with it. I will be recommitting in the new year. As for now, one day at a time and plenty of Christmas goodies.

I celebrated a birthday and turned 35, half way to death. Just kidding! Not to much trauma there and I did get a fabulous hair cut/ dye job/ hi-lites. Best birthday present ever! I also got new gitch and wool with money from my FIL. My mom gave me money for a new Christmas tree which I picked up on Saturday.

The family is fine. We put up the tree last night and that was fun. Hopefully that will get me in a more festive mood. Right now I just feel pressured. Financially and for time and against these huge ideals and goals I set for myself that I never come through on.

Shopping is just about done except for a few things that will need to wait until payday on Thursday. Speaking of payday work sucks and as I sit here I wonder to myself.... If only someone would pay me as much as they do to not be here. I would be so much more productive.

I learned how to knit to combat the cigarette thing. I only know how to knit, no purling for this girl, and I only know how to make scarves, but hey I like it and I am a damn fine scarf maker. Guess what everyone is getting for Christmas. I finished my sisters last night and I call it the vag!n@ scarf because it is very soft and pink.. I tried to tell someone about it a work today and they looked at me like I had two heads. What’s up with that. I expect everyone to get my sense of humour, and not everyone does. Ok I'll be honest, few people do...

Well signing off for now I will try to update more frequently. Odd, making promises on a blog that only I read. Oh well its my universe I can say what I want.

Love you all (ok I mean me)

Bean

Up Up and Away

2005-08-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

Well I gained 3 pounds this week. I am still on the road up, but I am trying to make better choices.

We are on holidays next week, so there will be no postings. We are heading out camping and visiting family and friends. It should be a good time. I am a little worried about the two days of camping with just the family unit. Mainly the times after the children go to bed and it is just me and hubby with no distractions. I am still so angry and hurt, but I don’t think that family vacation is the time to fight and carry on.

I sometimes feel like I have lost total control over my life, the part that is still mine outside of being a Mom and wife. I am so busy with everyone else’s need and desires, I have forgotten about me. What makes Bean tick? My mantra has been “when the kids are older, I will…” get a degree, learn to play guitar, get a hobby, quilt, whatever. I wonder if it is an excuse or a reality.

Just want to refer you to a site I have found that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. http://smartypants.diaryland.com/index.html . This girl gives me hope, about being a real person and being a Mom.

Well better go.

Ciao!

Bean

Husband for sale

2005-08-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well how about that, I promised and I will deliver damn it.

So the continuing saga continues. Thank God it is Friday. This weekend we will be going camping and surprisingly I am quite excited about the whole venture. The kids love it and I guess I have to give up all aspirations of being a hotel/pool vacationer for the startling realization that I live on a camping/lake budget.

Speaking of budgets, this is where the problems mentioned in the previous post come in to play. I have a good job. It pays well, however not well enough to support a household of four. Almost, but not quite. Well my husband drives school bus. This is fantastic arrangement. No day care costs, as the munchkins can go on the bus with him. However he didn’t start this until January full time, after I pressured him in to getting the job. We ended up going bankrupt anyway, but that is another story. So here we are at the end of June and it looks as if Hubby is going to be just shy of getting unemployment for the summer. What would be the logical thing for him to do? Get a part time job. But no. He has not looked, he has not applied anywhere and we are once again getting behind on the bills. Why can’t he see that he alone has the power to change this situation and make things better?

Anyway this has been a matter of contention in the house, to the point where I have given up. Maybe even given up on my marriage.

I just don’t understand. How hard is it for him to go out and get a part time job to help out. I am not asking him to go break his back or anything. Hell, work at a gas station – self serve and take the money. You think at the least he would enjoy the break from the kids and perhaps even some air conditioning. This frustrates me so much. I think that, he thinks, that when he gets back to driving bus in September that this will all go away, he will be bringing in money again and ladedada we will continue on. I don’t know if this will happen. I am hurt. I know that if it was me, I would do ANYTHING to fix the problem. Why can’t he?

So needless to say this has been weighing heavily on my mind, to the point where I called to see what kind of day care subsidies are available in this area. Plenty.

So what to do? Do I walk away from the last 12 years of my life? I don’t know.

So I guess the old saying, its not what your eating, it's what's eating you, may hold some truth. I sure would like to get to the place in my life where I could deal with things like this without turning to my doughnut therapy.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Have a great weekend. I will give the great camping update on Monday.

Bean a long time, been a long lonely ol' time...

2005-08-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

Wow…

Holy negligence batman…. Sorry to have been away so long. As I am sure you are aware summer time is so busy. We have been enjoying the long nights and working on my “Beaches of Ontario” coffee table book. Not really, but I feel I could. I love having kids. It is an automatic “Get off you ass free” card.

Things have been weird lately. I am having some issues with my husband, that I am sure I will get into later. Needless to say it has been a bit tense around the old homestead.

Here’s a Shout out to Nicole… Yeah I am so happy about Jackson!

On the weight loss front, slow but steady wins the race, but only if you are heading in the right direction. I have gone up in small increments the last three weeks. See above (I hate being an emotional eater.) Some times I think I should take up drinking instead. But who has the time for that nonsense; at least with my drug of choice I can use anywhere. Doughnuts in the car, snacks in the desk, cupboard full of treats, and so many purveyors of fine delectables just waiting for me to me to enter the hallowed halls and exchange brightly coloured bills in exchange for a satisfying fix….

Mummmmmm Doughnuts!

Well I know, not as satisfying as one would hope, but that is all the entry your going to get today, I PROMISE to write more… really, I will!

Ciao!

Bean

its a beautiful day

2005-06-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I know I said I would post yesterday with the results of the weigh in but I got busy at work and didn't get a chance, and trying to do this at home, would just not work. I am on the go from the time I get home until the time the kids go to bed where I collapse into a semi coma on the couch.

So the results are: up 1/2 a pound. I knew it would happen with all the emotional eating I have been doing, but I am back on track. I have set a mini goal for myself and that is to shed 25 lbs from this body, by labour day (September 5th) That is less than two pounds a week. I can do this.

I have been on track pretty much for the last few days. It is the weekends that are killer for me...but whacha gonna do? Oh yeah I also have a short term goal to avoid Tim Hortons. Enough is enough. Donuts bad.... Fritters bad.... Tim bits bad..... but apparently the strawberry tart only has three points....

Bean

Been a long time since I rocked and rolled!

2005-05-31T13:45:00.000-07:00

Back to work today, Three long weekends in a row. How blissful. We’ll today was a good day. It was nice to be busy and get some tings accomplished. I find Monday’s are always good days for working.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the threat of a strike looms over my head and it has caused me much mindless comfort eating over the weekend. That and just saying f**k it and eating what I wanted. I am sure this will result in a gain for weigh in tomorrow, but learn and move on. I hate not being in control of my destiny!

I went Saturday night to see hubby play and danced my ass off. That should have been good for a few activity points. It was a great time. My baby sis’s came with me and we had a hoot. Saturday was also yard sale day. I don’t understand the mentality of yard sales, but hey it garnered me some extra cash and I have a lot less crap on my hands. Whatever didn’t sell was boxed up and shipped off to the goodwill. I had a hard time letting go of some of my stuff, but I need a house that is not overcome with junk.

Yesterday, my day off (we work a compressed week which means that every two weeks I get Monday off) I didn’t even get out of my pyjamas. I am a lazy gal, but I felt it was deserved. I didn’t even cook dinner. The family sat in front of the boob tube and watched a movie the little man wanted to see and ate pizza. It was bliss.

Had a lovely evening with the hubby after the kids were off to bed, we watched most of Disk 4 of the final season of Angel – laughed my ass off at the puppet episode. I wish more people I knew watched the show, so I could compare notes and take Angelese, but no such luck.

I’ll report the weigh in tomorrow. As of 4:45 I have consumed 14 points. Not bad for getting back on track day.

Hats off to the new Miss Universe – A Canadian Gal! Nice and Beautiful, what a great country I live in!

Bean

snacks - the evil food group

2005-05-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

What is it with the afternoon snacking… Knowing I only have 5 points left for the day, after consuming a large handful…ok two of Dillicious Doritos, and I choose to continue eating. Once again thank God for Flex points.

Thank goodness for Fridays. This was a long week at work, even for a four day week. It has been an emotional rollercoaster this week. We are having the neighbour hood garage sale on Saturday, so last night I was pulling crap out of all the hidey holes. You would not believe the mound of crap I am hoping to find a new home for. It is not even coming back in the house. It is straight to the Goodwill with it.

Well that’s all the time we have.

Bean

Points ahoy!

2005-05-26T13:48:00.000-07:00

What is it about the shoes you wear that affect you attitude? Today I was wearing my pant boots. They make such a nice authoritative sound when I walk down the hall at work. They also have a heel, which makes me stand different. I feel better when I wear these boots. I walk taller and keep my head up. In my mind I am a hot mamma!

Today was a good day at work. Not much accomplished but my favourite co-worker was back from a mini holiday and it seemed to make it a better day. I’m over my snit and am trying to rein in my impulsive and critical comments. I am focusing more on “this is my job”, not “this is my life”.

Had a wonderful time last night with kids and hubby. Little Princess and I went grocery shopping (where she proceeded to eat so many grapes before we paid for them, that I felt bad enough to tell the cashier…) then home again for baths and bed. Then hubby and I watched a couple of episodes of Angel (this is the last season. I am so going to miss them. We buy every box set so I guess I will have to just watch them again.) I rubbed his feet and tried to let him know how special he is to me. I am just afraid that I take him for granted and I try not to. I have been reading a couple of blogs http://whyihatemyhusband.blogspot.com and http://antiwife.blogspot.com and I realize how good I have it. I guess this is why I have been appreciating him so much these days. Not to mention that he allows me to be the bread-winner, while he takes care of the kids, drives school bus, keeps the house from dissolving into total chaos, and plays in two bands. Don’t get me wrong he is far from perfect and can annoy the hell out of me… but I got it good.

So eating today was a bit bizarre. I was doing great then the snacks came out and I could not refrain. So I am at 24 points consumed of my 28 daily points and it is not yet 5:00 pm. Bad! Bad! Bad! Thank God tonight is veggie burger night. Throw in a side of English cucumbers and I should be on target for today. And I still have my flex points.

Well that’s the report for today. Have a good one.

Bean

Wednesday Weigh In

2005-05-25T13:52:00.000-07:00

Well happy news to report, after all that whining and overindulging I was actually down 3 pounds this week. Yeah me. So I am solidly into virgin fat now! Things at work were better today. I went home last night and vented to my darling boy and he made me feel all special and good. Thank God for that man. I know there are times when I don’t appreciate him enough, but times like this when I am not strong and not at the top of my game. he is always there for me. He knows me and he understands me and he loves me. God knows why?

So eating today was fairly good. I had a weak moment this afternoon and selected a healthy 3 point snack from the cafeteria, instead of the bag of greasy chips that I wanted.

For all you Canadian gals out there (I find these statements funny as no one actually reads my blog but I like it and it is my blog) M&M meat shops have veggie burgers on sale this week 8 for 6.99 – 2 points each and not bad. They don’t rival my Our Compliments cheese and mushroom soya burgers but they are good. And 2 points!!! Slap that sucker on a whole wheat roll and voila 4pts of yummy burgerness.

So as of today I am down 7 pounds and I feel pretty darn fine about that. It was the boost of encouragement that I needed and a reason to stop shoving shit (you know what I mean…) into my mouth. I will maintain my points this week. What would I have lost if I had been really good?

Bye Bye

Bean

Is this grade school?

2005-05-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well reality sets in and it is back to work for me again. I had a disturbing thing happen to me at work today, and it set me off in to a snit. I sometimes wonder if I am too sensitive or if I overreact or what. The story is so lame and I am so reminded of public school every time things like this happen but I will share it anyway. I just need to vent and seeing as I am the only one who looks at this blog, I’m going to vent.

So we have this guy at work, who has been charged with possession of child porn. He works directly in my department and I sit kitty corner from him. Needless to say this is an awkward and difficult situation. I have two small children. Since he has been back to work, I have not spoken to him, or in any way went out of my way to make him feel comfortable. Hello? Why should I? He is a sick individual. (Charged but not convicted court date keeps getting remanded) More rants about tax payers money, letters to the editor, and how stupid life can be later… back to the story…. So as time goes on this individual gets more comfortable in the work environment because people are I guess forgetting …whatever… I mentioned to one of my co-workers the other day that the more he makes him feel welcome, the more welcome he will be and this is not the objective. This guy is a criminal in the sickest way possible. Why make him feel included or welcome? So anyway this co-worker (the one I said I thought was being too friendly with the sick-o) has been very abrupt with me the latter part of last week, so today I confronted him about it He was mad at me for what I said to him about how he was being friendly to the sick-o and how I thought that this friendlyness encouraged the sick-o to be more at ease at work.

Maybe I was wrong. I should have kept my opinions to myself but Hello! People! this guy should not be at ease… he should not be at work! Direct your anger in the right direction buddy. I hate this bullshit.

So of course I apologized… And my day was basically ruined because I am so pissed off. People suck.

On the weight loss end of things… this weekend was a write off for eating, and tomorrow will tell the true story of the damage I did. Had a great time at the resort and on vacation from the kids. No regrets.

I am not posting points because they are through the roof, but I will report in tomorrow on the results from the Weight Watchers at Work Weigh in. Long weekend edition….

Bean

Long weekends are for....

2005-05-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

...hopefully me. I am dropping the kids at the grandparents on Saturday, so hubby and I can reconnect. We are spending Sunday night at the resort that my sister works at. Very nice. I am looking forward to it. You know what they say about hotel s@x. That is if we can both stay awake which seem to be the theme in our life right now.

I learned a valuable lesson this week. I was wondering how I could gain weight after WLS and discovered the answer to my question. I was in the city yesterday for a meeting. I ended up consuming 47 points for the day. Nutty. I am glad that I tracked it though. A donught with coffee on the way up. Cafeteria lunch, biscotti and tea for the way home. Tired and cranky when I actually returned home which led to some mindless eating. Then a small supper. I was actually suprised when I caculated it all at the end of the day. I am not beating myself up about it though. Live and learn. It just goes to show ou that it is not hard to overeat and abuse food. I wasn't blatently trying to break my diet. I jsut did not make the right choices.

This incident made me realize how important the actual tracking is for me. Being honest with myself and trying to learn to make better choices. Not the easiest row to hoe but I am getting there surely but slowly.

I didn't lose any weight on weigh in but I didn't gain any either. This makes me a bit mental but I have to step back, take a deep brath and move on. If this happens next week I will eliminate my Points allowance. and just try to stick to my 28 points a day. I think I am suffering from TOM syndrome as well so perhaps it will show up on Wednesday, if I don't have more days like yesterday.

The question is do I really want this? Sure I want to be thin. Sure I want to be healthier, but I have to figure this out. Food is my drug. I need to let this addiction go.

I saw someone yesterday who has lost 100 pounds since I last saw her. It was quite an amazing revelation. I can do this. I just need to change that sentence to I will do this. If it is meant to be it is up to me. Blah blah blah.

Have a great long weekend.

Bean

Atomic FireBalls....my drug of choice.

2005-05-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I have written, but thought a update is was in order. I’m back to work today after a three-day weekend. It is nice to be back but I sure did like being off. I got the house cleaned on Sunday, only to have the kids return from the grandparents and destroy it in a matter of seconds. It was like watching a train wreck. I could only shake my head and mutter…. Why do I bother?

Eating this week has been an adventure. My darling after much prompting and cajoling brought me back some Atomic Fireballs while he was playing out of town. Those suckers are a point a piece, so I have been trying to savour only one or two a night, and trying to stay out of them during the day. I could easily eat every one of the 100 he brought me by tomorrow, but I am choosing to refrain.

Weigh in is tomorrow and here is how the week shaped up…
Wednesday – 30 pts – 2 flex points used
Thursday – 30 pts – 2 flex points used
Friday – 28 pts used – 0 flex points used
Saturday – 34 pts - 6 flex points used
Sunday – 35 pts – 7 flex points used
Monday – 40 pts – 12 flex points used
Tuesday – 18 pts as of this minute more to come

All in all, not a bad week. I am still trying to make healthy choices. My darling FIL bought us Chinese food on Sunday. which was delicious but high in points. Monday I just couldn’t stop snacking! I find I do better when I am in routine, but when I am off work I tend to go a bit overboard.

Just a factoid for all you Canuck friends out there… that new Chocolate Cheese cake you see advertised by Tim Hortons… Beware 578 calories and 29 grams of fat – 14 points for that sucker… I took a deep breath and walked away from the cheesecake. I just couldn’t justify it.

See ya

Bean

Virgin Fat

2005-05-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

Wooooohoooo...
Weekly weigh in with Weight Watchers and drum roll please... I lost 4 pounds. I am finding that tracking and using the points calculator is helping me immensely this time. Last time I was kind of slack about the whole thing. I am also trying to choose more protein and whole foods as opposed to using my points on junk... Now don't get me wrong I love the junk, and am not eliminating it all together but I am trying to make better choices.

So why the title virgin fat... After I stopped losing weight after WLS my lowest weight was 247. Today I weighed in at 246. So this is virgin fat. Fat that has been with me for a very long time. I am ready to say goodbye...

Food log

2 hard boiled eggs - 4 pts
1 all bran bar - 2 points
tuna with mayo 3 points
4 finn crisps - 1 point
pickles - 0 points
grapefruit - 2 points
2 tubes - 2 points

14 points left for supper and beyond.....

So the challenge for me is to stop eating when I stop moving for the day. We had a busy day yesterday. We had to go to my F-I-L's last night to pick up the sick and dying van and bring it home until it finally collapses in a heap in the driveway. He lives 45 minutes away, so after the drive and the visit and the drive back, we got home about 9:30. Tucked the kids into bed quickly and I settled down for the last bit of the AMAZING Race. So I thought to myself, self, I'm feeling kind of peckish, what would you like? So I sliced up a granny smith apple and ate that, then self wanted more, so I had a all bran bar, self still wanted more, so I had another All Bran bar... can we say binge people? Self said what I really want is popcorn, so I popped up a mini snack bag of that and ate it as well. Yes it was a binge, yes I should have just had the popcorn first and I would have been fine... but looking at the bigger picture. It was a binge on fairly good stuff and considering there were fudgesicles and Ah Caramels in the downstairs freezer. I'm giving myself a pat on the back. I only went over 4pts for the day did not go over on my 35 points allowance for the week. Yeah me!

So I start now with 28pts per day. I need more zero point food in my life!

Bean

So very tired....

2005-05-10T13:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was such a great day at work followed by...this. I work for a large organization, and am a member of a large union. We are in contract negotiations and our Union Leader has today called for a final offer. This could mean that I will be out on strike. Oh vey. I have always worked for the Private Sector so this is very new to me. Hopefully I am wrong and this will all just go away. I started working here just after they returned from thier last strike and thought I would have more time to put in a contigency program. I guess every three years it is the same thing. The place is rife with rumors and speculation. I guess my thinking is this is something I have absoultly have no control over so I will NOT get myself all worked up into a tizzy over it.

I must not have ate as well today because I was having some serious issues staying awake this afternoon. I even made myself a coffee. Tomorrow is my first official weigh in since restarting Weight Watchers. I am hoping for some success. As of today I have only used 29 of my weekly points allowance and am making some good food decisions. I have packed a lunch every day since starting this and am trying to be mindful of what goes in my mouth... for example my food log today starts with...

num1son's crusts - 2pts (why can't I just toss the things)
egg whites - 0 pts (num1son decided he didn't want hard boiled eggs after all)
bran bar - 2 pts ( I just wanted it - having issues with storage...if you know what I mean)
1/2 a bannana - 1 point (the princess insisted on it took one bite and then stated no bannana so of course I wrapped half and ate the other half

Not bad you say but this was even before I got out of the door to go to work....

At work because today was so mind numbingly boring I took to snacking and had:
4 finn crisps - 1 pt
1 apple - 1 pt
tuna with mayo - 3pt
breakfast pita - 3 pt
chocolates - 3 pt ( I could have had my daily point allowance on these alone but managed some self control)
tube - 1 pt
4 finn crisps - 1 pt

So I have 12 points left to get through the night - definatly doable....

Well thats all folks... gotta blow this popsicle stand...

Bean

All systems go...

2005-05-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

Well I have made it through another day at work. If all days could be like this I would be a happier and more fuffilled employee/person. I was busy all day. I helped people, I completed tasks. Damn it feels good to have an acomplished day. My eating was on track and I just feel good. Mind you I am about to leave here and go home to my family, this can be as rewarding or frustrating as possible. It is the great unknown that scares me. Will they deflate my bubble because their day was not as satisfying as mine? I guess that is my choice.... WHOA WHOA WHOA was that more psycho-babble spewing out of my fingers again.

Better stop now before I start waxing poetic... what the hell does that mean anyway.

Ciao!

Like anything else in life

2005-05-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

...I will obsess over this blog until it is no longer new and shiny, then like a two year old I will go on to the next new and shiny...

Benefits... my blog gets some content. Downside... not so much. I posted some of my favourite blogs in the links section. I check these sites often and feel as if I know these people, even though I don't. Mind you shrinking girl and I live in the same city, so maybe someday our paths will cross.

I'm bored. Bored with work, bored at home, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. I need some excitement. I have even started flirting with the IT guy at work to add some fodder to my fantasy life. I don't think he has noticed. Ever noticed that when you are bored you eat more. Hummm direct correlation to flab on my ass...perhaps....

So more about me... because it truly is all about me. I am 34. I weigh 250 lbs. I live in Canada. I am married to an awesome fellow. (today he is awesome - tomorrow? its a crap shoot really) Married life, need I say more. I have a five year old son and a two year old daughter, they are wonderful kids. I especially think this after watching Super Nanny. I have a job that I am indifferent about, but it pays too well to risk it all to follow my dreams... which I don't really know what my dreams are anyway, so it is all very convenient.

I am baffled by the "way things are" but to lazy to do anything about them. I am an emotional animal and wear my heart on my sleeve. I am too outspoken and often cross the 'appropriate' line. I love the CBC on Saturday afternoons. Blue Rodeo, Sarah Harmer, Amanda Marshal and Jann Arden are a few of my favourite musical selections. I came from a family of five siblings and I am the oldest.

and that’s a wrap...for now.

Bean

The first post - a monumental occassion.

2005-05-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

Well I figured I spent so much time reading others blogs that I should publish my own. I think I will use this place to journal my many struggles and issues with losing weight, being a wife and mother, and my journey to figure out who I am outside the confines of my roles. Don't get me wrong... I love my roles. I would just like to give myself the starring role (ok, once in a while at least).

I will be keeping track of my weight watchers progress here as well. I made a startling discover yesterday that cream has 1 point per tablespoon and considering I had 4 coffees before I had even eaten anything for the day... Bam-O 8 points gone, just like that! So this morning it was skim milk in the coffee. Not quite the same but damn it I would rather eat my points.

I will be whining and trying to find insight within myself regarding this life long struggle I have had with my weight. A journey that included Gastric Bypass Surgery... yes I am still fat. Not as fat, but fat. Just thought you should know that. Highest Weight 344 lowest weight after GBS 247. Highest Weight post GBS 266. Current weight 250. Just the facts. Well that is all for now.

Bean