Thursday, June 29, 2006

Small steps baby, small steps…

I was reading a Million Little Pieces last night and I am not sure how I feel about the book. The writing style is annoying and there are parts that are hard to believe, not to mention my annoyance with all the controversy and wacky press the book is getting as a result. (Not to mention that every time I see the cover I get an enormous craving for a sprinkle doughnut) However I read the following passage last night and something in it rang true about my food addiction. (Please pardon the language, but I wrote it out as it appears in the book)

Addiction is a decision. An individual wants something, whatever that something is, and makes a decision to get it. Once they have it, they make a decision to take it. If they take it too often, that process of decision making gets out of control, and if it gets too far out of control it becomes and addiction. At that point the decision is a difficult one to make, but it is still a decision. Do I or don’t I. Am I going to take or am I not going to take. Am I going to be a pathetic dumbshit Addict and continue to waste my life or am I going to say no and try to stay sober and be a decent person. It is a decision. Each and every time. A decision. String enough of those decisions together and you set a course and you set a standard of living Addict or human. Genetics do not make that call. They are just an excuse. They allow people to say it wasn’t my fault I am genetically predisposed. It wasn’t my fault I was preprogrammed from day one. It wasn’t my fault I didn’t have any say in the matter. Bullshit. Fuck that bullshit. There is always a decision. Take responsibility for it. Addict or human. It’s a fucking decision, each and every time.

A Million Little Pieces
James Frey
First Anchor Books Edition May 2004

Now I know food addiction is never on the level of substance abuse or alcoholism and I am not trying to say that my problem is bigger, or for that matter, smaller than that of an alcoholic or drug addict, but the principles are the same. Every day I make the same decisions. I make a decision to get the food, I make a decision to eat the food and when my weight is spiralling out of control, it is harder to make the right decisions, because my goal weight sees so unobtainable.

Please don’t misinterpret what I am saying this is not a plea for support or a whine, just a little glimpse into the insights I find into my behaviour. Your mileage may vary.

On a lighter note, I am weighing in early for the 12 week challenge. I got on the scale this morning and it said 269.5. Down 4.5 pounds. Yeah Me. I find it amazing how little steps can make a difference. I could write it off to bloating or water retention, but I am claiming this victory. This is just one small step in my journey. I am glad you are along for the ride. Welcome to all the new commenters. It is nice to have some new faces around. And for my ‘old timers’ I just want you all to know I appreciate every good vibe and all the positive comments you are so faithful to send.

Well I am off tomorrow though until Tuesday to celebrate this great country I live in. How blessed am I to be born in a beautiful, majestic, safe country that knows freedom. I think I sometimes forget how fortunate I am to live in a country when my biggest concern is a number on the scale and not having enough money to drive a brand new car. I forget that I could be living in Cambodia or Africa or any other impoverished country where my worries would would be on a whole new level like where do I sleep and how do I feed my children and keep them from being exploited.

O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

Please God, keep our land glorious and free.

Bean, and remain, a proud Canadian.


Blogger Kim said...

AWESOEE job on the weight loss! Take credit where credit is due. You are making the right changes and decisions to become the person you want to be. And I happen to think that is an amazing thing.

Have a great time on your trip!!

10:51 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Okay, that first word was supposed to be AWESOME. I was so excited for you that I couldn't be bothered to reread what I wrote!

10:53 AM  
Blogger snackiepoo said...

I loved the book for certain reasons and hated it for others, like the passage you posted here. Yes we have the power to control our lives and should definitely take responsibility for our actions but addiction IS a disease and people are genetically predisposed to it. My Dad is 27 years sober and the VP of an addiction recovery resource organization in California and I have been around and learned too much about addiction to not think otherwise. Hell my Dad was an alkie up til 27 years ago, my sister drank too much for awhile, I did drugs and have the obvious food issues and we are just ONE family.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Rabbit said...

You've got the power! The fact that you know and freely admit that food is an addiction, your addiction is a positive step in the right direction. Good job on the 4.5 pounds! I am also very happy to call Canada my home. As much as I may bitch and complain, I also realize how good I've got it where I can walk into a hospital and get cared for regardless of whether or not I have insurance coverage.

12:51 PM  
Blogger Kat said...

Congrats on your weight loss! I remember that passage also from the book.
And.... I was so annoyed at how he captialized random Words. The Nurse came to get me and we walked down the Hallway. Drove me batty.

3:42 PM  

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