Sunday, May 28, 2006

Who am I?

Who are you? For people who do not frequent Lori’s site
you should, but if you don’t, I stole this from her. I was surprised how hard it was to fill out.
I think it gives a fairly good representation of who I am….

I AM: a mother and wife
I WANT: a camping trailer
I WISH: I had more money
I HATE: intolerance
I MISS: my best girl Kim
I FEAR: that something bad will happen to my kids
I WONDER: if I am following my destiny or if I am way off track
I REGRET: smoking those cigarettes on May 20th and beyond
I AM NOT: as happy as I desire to be
I DANCE: when listening to my DH’s band play
I SING: a lot, mostly in the car
I CRY: when I hear sad songs and when I am angry
I AM NOT ALWAYS: genuine
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a mean chocolate chip cookie
I WRITE: in my blog
I CONFUSE: work relationships with friendships
I NEED: a real vacation
I SHOULD: stop striving and relax in who I am as God’s child
I START: diets
I FINISH: very few things I start

Things are moving along tickity boo. I am still having issues at work but it has been a good exercise for me in realizing who and what is really important in life and where my energies should be devoted. Still it is sad and it sucks, but the further I step away from the situation, the clearer it becomes that this is the way it has always been, I just needed to realize it but it shakes the foundation of your belief system to realize that people you genuinely care/d about just don’t have the same level of feelings for you. Knowledge is a dangerous thing. I am now more aware of when someone is talking to me because there is no one else to talk to, and that is not good enough for me, so I am keeping to myself and smiling and being pleasant, but the line has defiantly been drawn in the sand.

Church is good. I went to talk to the counsellor at the church about some of the questions, concerns and irrational fears I have been having and I got some excellent advice which was basically stop trying so hard. That was nice.

I have been smoking. Not at work and not in front of the kids, but smoking none the less. It makes me so angry with myself. I am trying to not smoke today and move forward as a non-smoker but man it is hard. A part of me just want to say “Oh well I am a smoker again” but the other side of me says “Oh, come on now, you have come this far,” and the other part of me says “Just have a couple at night, what’s the harm?” I am wrestling with this, and as I sit here craving a cigarette the smoking seems so attractive.

Well make sure to stop by Hilly’s which is always a fun read. I am so glad for her and that I found her. She is so supportive in her comments and faithful to her bloglist. Thanks Snackie. If you have never visited you should (it is easy just click here) for her amazing insight, inspiration and ton of laughs!

Talk at you soon.



Blogger Rabbit said...

Bean, remember what you said when your other half had a few cigarettes. You have come so far and you will feel a better person if you keep going. Don't do it for your kids, don't do it for him, don't do it for or anyone else. Do it for yourself. Let this be one thing that you start and finish!!!! Power and strenght my bestest friend!!!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Oh Bean - First off, LOVE the picture!! It's so nice to put a face with the name! :) Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you all of the best. Keep on keeping on! :)

12:37 PM  
Blogger ~Les said...

No judgement on the smoking sister. If you need it right now, there are worse things you could be doing, OK? So, don't be so hard on yourself. When it's time to really quit, to REALLY quit, then you will. Until then, I know you're doing the best you can.

Hang in there.

10:01 AM  
Blogger Lori said...

Love the pic too! Nice list :) thank you for mentioning me. I get secretly over joyed when I see my name mentioned on somones blog. Have a good week.

1:35 PM  

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