Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Soul Searching and a word from Les

Les wrote in her blog...

**Oh, and no more snarky comments about my weight. No more ugly thoughts about myself. I’m going to start thinking of myself as more than just overweight, because how you think of and carry yourself normally determines what others think of you. I’m blessed to have my body, to have my soul, and to be living the life I live. And instead of wishing my life away, wanting and waiting to be thin, I’m going to begin living in the now. Overweight or not, I have a great family and friends, and I have a great life. Today, I’m going to start living it for real.**

This is just what I needed to hear. I am more than my weight and my struggles with it. I am a good mother and a ok wife, (I am the first to admit I need work in this area). I have beautiful hair and a fun personality. I am smart and I deserve better that I give my self credit for.

Today was a bit wonky. I didn’t keep away from the candy dishes today. I have found that it only takes one to set me off and then I am candy crazy. I just need to stay away and remember that candy gets in my mouth and that is just wrong!

I hurt my work friends feelings today a bit. I didn’t mean to and when I apologized I said “I was just kidding.” He said “No you weren’t.”, and he was right. I wish I had the courage to say things like that to people who hurt my feelings and then brush it off with the old just kidding statement. It is funny, I am trying to be a better person, but it seem that the more I try the more mistakes I make. Maybe it is just awareness. So if you are reading this Investor I am sorry. I am trying.

As I head out the door from work tonight I have consumed 24 points. I am having a heck of a time leaving myself enough points for the evening. – no thanks, I am sure, to the candy dishes. Choices Bean – it is all about the choices. I am feeling kind of out of control about my work situation right now. It is not a good feeling, and perhaps once this release has passed, I can regain some focus. I am still trying to come to terms with my unhappiness about work, and the feelings it invokes of being under appreciated and ignored and insufficient. I have no passion for this place or what I do, but I am thankful for the lifestyle it accommodates. I am dirt poor but it could be much, much worse! My risk taking and sticking it to the man can come later when I don’t have three darlings counting on me for food and shelter. Being the breadwinner sucks, but not having this job would suck more. So I continue to eat my way to a happy place until a) I stop caring that this job is sucking the soul out of me or b) I find a new job.

Wow – haven’t said that out loud for a while. Felt good.

"If you hear a voice within you say ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."

Vincent Van Gogh

3 Comments:

Blogger snackiepoo said...

That is a beautiful quote from Van Gogh. I have to scribble that down somewhere.

It is so true what Les said and as living proof I offer up a story. Quite recently, we got on the subject of weight at work and someone said to me that when they see me, they don't see "the fat girl" at all because of the way I carry myself. She said that it is almost as if I walk with a little swing and shake my thang as if I own the world. That made me feel good and made me realize how much perception comes from within us.

Good for you for thinking about all of this.

2:20 PM  
Blogger ~Les said...

Hey Bean,

First of all, I'm sorry things aren't going too good at work these days. Job stress sucks, and what sucks even more is that most people in the world spend 40 or more hours a week at a place they hate. But, I certainly understand responsibilies not affording the luxury of just quitting and then finding another job. Hope things look up soon.

As far as eating a lot during the day, have you heard of reverse journaling? When I lost weight before, I had to use reverse because I ate SO MUCH at night that I always went way over my points. So, I started my day at 6pm and dinner was my first meal. Then, the points I had left when I went to bed is EXACTLY what I took with me to work to eat throughout the day, whether it was 2 points or 15. Think about it, it might work better for ya for a while.

Lastly, I'm flattered you used part of my entry. :0)

Take care!
~Les

3:12 PM  
Blogger dinah34 said...

i find taking risks are so hard. i hate the school i'm working at and the thought of returning there after my maternity leave makes my stomach turn every time i think of it. i want to find a new job, but i just can't find the courage. what if it's worse? what if i can't find one? what if they lay me off/fire me? (the job i have now guarantees me job security). what if we can't get a mortgage b/c i've switched jobs? the what ifs are plenty and neverending.

but if this job is sucking the soul out of you, you need to change even if there are risks.

good luck.

8:27 AM  

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