Thursday, August 18, 2005

Up Up and Away

Well I gained 3 pounds this week. I am still on the road up, but I am trying to make better choices.

We are on holidays next week, so there will be no postings. We are heading out camping and visiting family and friends. It should be a good time. I am a little worried about the two days of camping with just the family unit. Mainly the times after the children go to bed and it is just me and hubby with no distractions. I am still so angry and hurt, but I don’t think that family vacation is the time to fight and carry on.

I sometimes feel like I have lost total control over my life, the part that is still mine outside of being a Mom and wife. I am so busy with everyone else’s need and desires, I have forgotten about me. What makes Bean tick? My mantra has been “when the kids are older, I will…” get a degree, learn to play guitar, get a hobby, quilt, whatever. I wonder if it is an excuse or a reality.

Just want to refer you to a site I have found that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. http://smartypants.diaryland.com/index.html . This girl gives me hope, about being a real person and being a Mom.

Well better go.

Ciao!

Bean

Friday, August 12, 2005

Husband for sale

Well how about that, I promised and I will deliver damn it.

So the continuing saga continues. Thank God it is Friday. This weekend we will be going camping and surprisingly I am quite excited about the whole venture. The kids love it and I guess I have to give up all aspirations of being a hotel/pool vacationer for the startling realization that I live on a camping/lake budget.

Speaking of budgets, this is where the problems mentioned in the previous post come in to play. I have a good job. It pays well, however not well enough to support a household of four. Almost, but not quite. Well my husband drives school bus. This is fantastic arrangement. No day care costs, as the munchkins can go on the bus with him. However he didn’t start this until January full time, after I pressured him in to getting the job. We ended up going bankrupt anyway, but that is another story. So here we are at the end of June and it looks as if Hubby is going to be just shy of getting unemployment for the summer. What would be the logical thing for him to do? Get a part time job. But no. He has not looked, he has not applied anywhere and we are once again getting behind on the bills. Why can’t he see that he alone has the power to change this situation and make things better?

Anyway this has been a matter of contention in the house, to the point where I have given up. Maybe even given up on my marriage.

I just don’t understand. How hard is it for him to go out and get a part time job to help out. I am not asking him to go break his back or anything. Hell, work at a gas station – self serve and take the money. You think at the least he would enjoy the break from the kids and perhaps even some air conditioning. This frustrates me so much. I think that, he thinks, that when he gets back to driving bus in September that this will all go away, he will be bringing in money again and ladedada we will continue on. I don’t know if this will happen. I am hurt. I know that if it was me, I would do ANYTHING to fix the problem. Why can’t he?

So needless to say this has been weighing heavily on my mind, to the point where I called to see what kind of day care subsidies are available in this area. Plenty.

So what to do? Do I walk away from the last 12 years of my life? I don’t know.

So I guess the old saying, its not what your eating, it's what's eating you, may hold some truth. I sure would like to get to the place in my life where I could deal with things like this without turning to my doughnut therapy.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Have a great weekend. I will give the great camping update on Monday.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Bean a long time, been a long lonely ol' time...

Wow…

Holy negligence batman…. Sorry to have been away so long. As I am sure you are aware summer time is so busy. We have been enjoying the long nights and working on my “Beaches of Ontario” coffee table book. Not really, but I feel I could. I love having kids. It is an automatic “Get off you ass free” card.

Things have been weird lately. I am having some issues with my husband, that I am sure I will get into later. Needless to say it has been a bit tense around the old homestead.

Here’s a Shout out to Nicole… Yeah I am so happy about Jackson!

On the weight loss front, slow but steady wins the race, but only if you are heading in the right direction. I have gone up in small increments the last three weeks. See above (I hate being an emotional eater.) Some times I think I should take up drinking instead. But who has the time for that nonsense; at least with my drug of choice I can use anywhere. Doughnuts in the car, snacks in the desk, cupboard full of treats, and so many purveyors of fine delectables just waiting for me to me to enter the hallowed halls and exchange brightly coloured bills in exchange for a satisfying fix….

Mummmmmm Doughnuts!

Well I know, not as satisfying as one would hope, but that is all the entry your going to get today, I PROMISE to write more… really, I will!

Ciao!

Bean