Thursday, December 15, 2005

Wow another post

I hate those days when you are this close to bursting in to tears. All teary, all the time. The littlest things can set you off. Why is I feel so inadequate and lonely. I am married with two kids, but I have no friends. No true real friends that I can hang with and laugh with and bitch to. I have friends like this but they live too far away. People at work are friendly but they all have their best friends and I feel like I sitting on the outside of the circle. I just feel shitty today.

A lot of this probably has to do with the fact that in the 4 weeks since I have quit smoking I have put on 10, yes count them 10, pounds. WTF! I also just am feeling like I do and say the wrong things all the time. I need to suck it up and put on my happy face before I go home.

The stupid thing of it all is the corresponding lack of coping that goes along with this cycle, can't cope with what to cook for dinner, can't cope with finances, can cope with shopping... Christmas cards... people... you get the idea. Why can't I just hibernate?

Oh vey! enough bitching and moping. Enough woe is me. I need to just put my big girl panties on and get over it.

I have been struggling with how to make myself a priority in my life, so I can accomplish some off the things I need to accomplish. I am sure I will figure it out. Where in my busy life do I find time for me and the things I think I want to do like exercise. I say think because I am kind of torn right now as to if my Weight Loss is a goal, a priority, or something I just have been thinking about so long that it is ingrained in me. I never want to see 340 again, but do I care if I ever get below 250. I am not sure. What is my motivation. This sounds shitty but I don't care enough about myself to make health a priority. I do care about my kids, but really how is it affecting them. I am a healthy 250 and with the recent addition of quitting smoking I am already doing something for them. My husband loves me fat or thin, so why.... that is the question I am going to be trying to figure out.

Well that is all for tonight. Staying at work until 5:00 really sucks when everyone else leaves at 4:00 but hey it sure gives you time to do things like post to your blog and knit. Yeah me. Slacker extraordinaire.

See on the flip side.



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